


lonely is all we are

by Twinklylightseverywhere



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Depression, Dissociation, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Slight Transphobia, but in a good way, gay pining, im really bad at tags help me, just neuhaus being his usual asshole self, midnight adventures, nothing worse than canon dont worry, oof this ones gonna get emo friends, teenage boys having no braincells, the boys being dorks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:48:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22263622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinklylightseverywhere/pseuds/Twinklylightseverywhere
Summary: “You know,” says a quiet voice to David’s left, calm, unexpected. “I don’t think this place is meant to be broken into. I think that’s what the fence is for.”Or; the one with midnight adventures, gay pining, a little bit of miscommunication, and falling in love somewhere along the way.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Comments: 100
Kudos: 177





	1. future's tricked by the past

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Strap yourselves in folks, this one's gonna be a long boi! I plan to update this story once a week, let's hope I can get it done in time lol. Huge thank you to [Wyo](https://matteoohno.tumblr.com/) for being my beta and cheering me on, ur awesome <3
> 
> Fic title is from the song "Young Liars" by TV on the Radio  
> Chapter title is from the song "Spectre" by Radiohead
> 
> Disclaimer: There will be many themes regarding mental illness and dysphoria (both of which I have struggled with) in this story. These are based off my own experiences, and a not indicative of how other people may experience them. Please heed the trigger warnings and take care of yourself first <3

David wants to say that there is a logical explanation for this. He wants to say that Laura should trust him 100%, because there’s no way he’d ever do anything this reckless. No way. Especially not every single night for the past week.

But alas, here he is; right foot firmly placed forward on his longboard, his left pushing off the pavement for more momentum. The cold winter air stings his face, flows through his hair, makes his ears go numb, but he couldn’t care less. This is the most free that he’s felt in his entire life; roaming the nearly empty streets of Berlin, staring up at the night sky, hoping to find a glimmer of a star somewhere in the wasteland of darkness. David had read once that if you saw a star, it was actually already dead, somewhere millions of light years away. 

In Fürstenberg, the stars were always visible at night. In Berlin, David is lucky if he finds any at all. And yet, as pretty as the stars in the night sky are, there’s nothing that feels better than this. Because in Fürstenberg, he was trapped. In Berlin, he’s _free._

But old habits always die hard. It doesn’t matter that he’s in a better place now, living with someone who gives a shit about him, going to a school where no one knows his name. Every time the night comes, the darkness seizes him. It envelops him in its crushing embrace, hot and stifling. It makes him panic; makes him want to keep his eyes open just _a little bit longer._ Maybe that way, there will be some semblance of light in the never-ending emptiness. If he can just stay awake, then maybe he can have a little peace before he has to get up and face the day ahead of him. If he can just stay awake, maybe he can _breathe._

It’s two in the morning by the time he reaches the abandoned military base. David couldn’t care less about the time, however. He hasn’t slept properly in years, anyway.

He slows to a stop on his board, his feet still a little shaky and unsure. It’s only been a week since Laura had bought it for him as a welcoming gift with a small, almost pitying smile on her face, almost as if to say, _sorry I left you alone to deal with them._ David didn’t want the pity, and he didn’t need her apologies. But he took the longboard, watched a few YouTube tutorials and then hopped on. For the past week, he’s been steadily getting better, not without eating shit several times from the falls he’d taken, but oh well. A few scrapes and bruises were the least of David’s concern.

The surrounding area is cold, almost lifeless compared to usual business of Berlin during the daytime. David likes to think in these moments, he’s the only person in the world that exists. All of his problems are meaningless, small specks of dust in the vast night sky floating up, away, and out of sight. Nothing really matters when he’s exploring, anyway. 

His problems definitely don’t disappear as easily as they should. They still exist, still weigh down on his shoulders with the same weight as the sky itself, but they’re suspended in time. They don’t matter for the moment; _he_ doesn’t matter for the moment. All that matters right now is the sense of freedom that these nighttime explorations give him; he can be anyone, do _anything,_ even if he knows that it’s all pretend. Some might call it childish, or even sad, having to pretend to be someone else to feel alive. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it’s the only thing that David’s ever known to do. How can something be sad if it’s all he’s ever known?

He trails the perimeter of the base, taking in the tall and imposing fences in front of him. He tries to open one gate, but as he’d expected, it’s locked. 

David takes a step back, trying to get as much of the fenced area in his periphery so he can try to spot any loopholes. He always ends up finding loopholes. 

He normally doesn’t find them right away. David takes in a breath, exhaling in frustration. He watches as his breath mingles with the cold air in front of him, mesmerized as it trails off and evaporates into nothingness. 

“You know,” says a quiet voice to David’s left, calm, unexpected. “I don’t think this place is meant to be broken into. I think that’s what the fence is for.”

David jumps, whipping his head to the source of the voice, trying to calm the racing of his heart.

There’s a boy, standing casually to the side, almost hidden by the shadows. He takes a drag from a lit cigarette between his fingers and then exhales. The smoke reaches David eventually, and he prepares himself to recoil from the not-so-pleasant smell of tobacco. That is, until he takes in a breath through his nose.

 _Not tobacco then._ David smirks.

“You gonna tell on me?” he asks, tilting his head to the side teasingly, something that he normally only feels comfortable doing around Laura. 

The boy takes another drag from the joint. “You gonna tell on _me?”_ he shoots back, blowing another cloud of smoke in David’s direction.

David chuckles and shrugs, looking down at his shoes. A hole right by his big toe has already formed.

“So,” the boy says after a beat of silence. He emerges from where he’d been standing and into the light. “What brings you here on this fine summer afternoon?”

David laughs, and then almost chokes on his own spit when he finally gets a good look at the boy. Oh boy, he’s _pretty;_ Not just regular aesthetically pleasing, either, more like the most gorgeous person who David has ever laid eyes upon.

It’s dim, and so he can’t make out vividly clear facial features, but what’s he’s seeing is overwhelming enough: pale skin, messy, dark blonde hair, clear eyes, and a smile so cute that it should be illegal. David’s _so_ fucked.

“Um,” David mumbles, suddenly very aware of how horrible he must look right now; slightly sweaty, purple eye bags, and his broccoli hair. “Just, you know, just enjoying the warm weather.”

The boy snorts, casting a glance down at his own feet. When he looks back up, his cheeks are slightly red, probably from the cold. He has a sheepish smile on his face. David wants to know what the boy looks like in proper light. He wants to draw those eyes, to watch as they light up with life, even though he knows his drawing skills couldn’t ever do them justice. 

His own cheeks begin to heat as he berates himself for the very sappy, _and very gay,_ thought.

“Want some?” the boy asks, breaking David out of his own head. He holds the burning joint between his index finger and thumb, extending his arm so it’s within David’s reach.

“Um,” David hesitates, flitting his gaze between the joint and the boy. He’s never smoked weed before. “Yeah, sure.”

He cautiously takes the joint from the boy, careful not to graze their fingers. He holds it between his index and middle fingers in the way he’s seen other people do before and takes a drag before he can convince himself otherwise.

The smoke definitely burns in his lungs in possibly the grossest way ever. Immediately, David feels the need to cough, but he suppresses it. He’d rather deal with burning lungs in silence than make a fool out of himself in front of the cutest boy he’s ever seen.

“I’m Matteo, by the way,” the boy, _Matteo,_ says, training his gaze carefully on David’s face. 

Normally, whenever people give this much attention to David, it’s to scrutinise him in a completely different way. Mostly, it’s people trying to see if they can find something that’s off about him; as if there’s something intrinsically broken with David the way he is. When Matteo looks at him, David just gets the feeling that he’s looking at another boy, a possible friend maybe, or at least not a spectacle to gawk at. 

“David,” David introduces, taking another drag from the joint. The urge to cough is slightly stronger this time, but he chokes it down and hands the joint back to Matteo before he can make an even bigger fool of himself.

“Nice to meet you,” Matteo replies, taking the joint back from David and placing it back between his lips. “So really, why are you _here_ in the middle of the night?”

David shrugs, wracking his brain for an answer that’s technically honest, but that gives nothing away.

“Couldn’t sleep,” is what he settles for. “Felt like exploring a bit, I don’t know.”

“Hm,” Matteo hums non-committedly, blowing out another breath of smoke before passing the joint back to David. David takes it from his fingers carefully again.

“What about you?” David asks, taking a drag from the joint and trying not to let his lungs betray him. “Any reason you’re smoking weed by an old military base in the middle of the night?”

“I’m not smoking weed,” Matteo corrects, a teasing grin on his face. He continues before David can interject. _“We’re_ smoking weed by an old military base in the middle of the night.”

“Right, my bad,” David retorts sarcastically with a snort. “Why are _we_ smoking weed then?”

“Why not?” Matteo responds, shrugging his shoulders. “It’s a free country.”

“It’s an illegal drug,” David points out teasingly, taking a drag and then handing it back off to Matteo again. 

“You gonna tell on me?” 

David laughs. It almost startles him.

“Nah,” David says, leaning his shoulder against the fence he’d previously tried to break into. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“Good,” Matteo says, giving David another adorable and sheepish smile. “But nah, for real, just couldn’t sleep either and figured I should get out of the house for a while. My mom would kill me if she smelled this.”

“Ah,” David replies. He knows the feeling. “You live around here then?”

“Yup,” Matteo murmurs, taking the joint from David’s fingers. “You?”

“Not too far,” David responds, figuring that’s a truthful enough answer that still doesn’t really give anything away. “Got a little lost, though. Still trying to figure Berlin out.”

“Just moved?”

David hesitates, and then shrugs. Matteo’s a stranger, him knowing this won’t really affect anything.

“Yeah, about two weeks ago.”

“Aha,” Matteo hums, blowing out his last drag. “Why’d you move?”

“I killed someone,” David replies, almost lightning fast. “And I had to flee.”

Matteo laughs. It’s quiet, almost silent, but David hears it. It’s beautiful.

“Stress with your parents, then?” he asks, handing the almost finished joint to David.

Obviously it’s a lie, and David doesn’t normally like lying. This is different, though. Matteo doesn’t push him, doesn’t call him out on his obvious dance around the truth. Instead, he plays along, laughs at the absurdity. 

“Yup,” David says, the complete honesty hidden in the stupid joke almost choking him a little. “That’s why they’re dead now.”

David takes a drag of the joint to try to look tough, and Matteo laughs quietly again. David turns his head to look at the boy leant against the wall next to him. 

David knows he should probably be feeling the effects of the weed by now, but it’s honestly difficult to differentiate between the high of the drug and the high of just being here with Matteo. Perhaps it’s a combination of things; finding someone who’s exactly his type, someone who doesn’t treat him like he’s different, someone who sees only _David._

David reckons it’s the only high that he needs.

Matteo’s breath stutters slightly under David’s gaze, and he breaks eye contact.

“Oh shit,” Matteo says suddenly, grabbing what’s left of the joint from David’s fingertips. “It’s burned down to the filter. Oops.”

Matteo throws the roach to the ground and stubs it out with his foot. He looks back up at David.

David finds himself unable to look away from Matteo, but he still tries not to make himself seem like too much of a creep. 

“You have an eyelash,” David blurts out, as if to give an excuse for the staring. He doesn’t even know if Matteo has an eyelash, but the boy reaches up and swipes his finger under his eye, anyway. He looks at his finger and then back up at David.

“Can I make a wish now?” he murmurs, his eyes bright, hopeful. David’s chest swells with an unknown feeling, overwhelming in the best way possible.

David breaks eye contact and looks up at the starless, city sky.

“Don’t there need to be stars in the sky to make a wish?” he wonders, looking up into the endless darkness.

“Oh what, you want me to wish upon dead particles floating through space?” Matteo retorts, and David almost fucking swoons. “Nah. I’d rather wish upon something alive.”

“Fair enough,” David reasons, shrugging his shoulders. He looks back down at Matteo, because after all, he’s right. Why wish upon something dead when the person standing in front of him is much, much prettier? “What will you wish upon, then?”

Matteo doesn’t answer, at least not with words. Instead, his eyes twinkle mischievously. David reckons that’s answer enough.

He blushes slightly, taking in the boy in front of him-

_Buzz buzz._

David startles at the vibration in his pocket. He breaks eye contact with Matteo and reaches to grab his phone. His eyes widen when he realises that it’s already three in the morning, and they widen even more when he realises who’s texting him.

From: Laura

_Hey dumbass, come home before you get robbed or something._

“Fuck,” David whispers, chuckling slightly in disbelief. Apparently, he hasn’t been as stealthy as he’d thought.

To: Laura

_Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb your sleep. Heading back now._

“Sorry,” David says in response to Matteo’s curious glance. “That was my sister. She needs me back home.”

“Oh,” Matteo replies, training his gaze down disappointedly. David’s heart lurches because he’s never related to that feeling so much. “Yeah, fair, I probably shouldn’t stay out too much longer either.”

“Yeah…” David trails off, wringing his hands awkwardly. He places his right foot back up onto his longboard he’d left beside him. “Thanks for the weed, I guess. And the company.”

“My pleasure,” Matteo snorts, shoving his hands into the pockets of his baggy sweater. He shuffles awkwardly, looking almost as lost as David feels.

“Um,” David continues, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering wildly. “You doing anything tomorrow night?”

“No, why?” Matteo asks with a small smile. 

“Same place, same time tomorrow?” David asks before he can lose his nerve. He can feel his face heating up again.

“Okay,” Matteo sighs, almost breathlessly. “Okay, yeah, sounds good.”

“Good,” David replies, just as breathless. “Then, uh, see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” Matteo echoes, smiling widely at David. David smiles back just as widely. He can’t remember the last time he was able to do that with someone around his age. 

David turns before he can make an even bigger fool of himself and walks toward his apartment. He doesn’t bother with his longboard, or rather, he waits until he’s out of Matteo’s sight before he hops back on. He can’t risk looking like a total idiot anymore than he already has.

The air feels just as chilly on his way back, and the empty streets feel just as freeing. Once again, David looks to the sky. It’s calm, quiet, and completely dark. 

Maybe the lack of stars isn’t so much of a problem after all. 

When he comes home, Laura is nowhere to be seen, which probably means that she’s gone back to bed. David sneaks back in as quietly as he can manage and is hit with a wave of exhaustion the minute he feels his body defrost. 

He changes back into his pyjamas quickly, blinking slowly and letting out a big yawn. He probably smells like weed still, but he can’t be assed to take a shower now. He might be in deep shit with Laura tomorrow, but that’s okay. His bed looks too enticing to even think about the consequences.

With his pyjamas on, he turns out the lamp next on his bedside table. In the darkness, he can imagine Matteo’s twinkling eyes, and his pale skin much more clearly. He doesn’t need the light right now.

David falls asleep as soon as his head hits his pillow.


	2. hit the bottom and escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps David is taking the piss. Perhaps he noticed Matteo’s particularly pathetic and obvious attempts at flirting and decided to pity him. It doesn't matter much, however. If there’s even a small chance that Matteo gets to see David again, he’ll do everything in his power to make sure he takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my peeps!
> 
> I hope you had a good week! admittedly, the last chapter was a little short, the rest of the chapters from now are are going to be a little bit longer :)
> 
> title is from the song "weird fishes/arpeggi" by radiohead (which i highlyhighlyhighly recommend)
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

Matteo knows that he definitely hasn’t gotten enough sleep the next day at school when he almost falls asleep in geography. 

It’s to be expected, of course, considering he’d woken up this morning smelling slightly like weed and feeling like his eyes had been glued shut. His mouth felt like cotton, and it didn’t taste too great either. Matteo didn’t really care, though, and he’d do it all over again if it meant even just getting a glimpse of David.

_David._

The boy with the messy dark hair that somehow looked put together, his shy eyes that always seemed bashful, and the rare smile that Matteo managed to pull out of him- which was probably the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. David managed to make Matteo’s heart feel like it was going to beat out of his chest, and who made the blood in his veins run so wonderfully hot, but who somehow managed to make Matteo feel completely safe and comfortable. This wasn’t an easy feat, especially around a guy that he had a crush on. 

Most of the time, Matteo found himself holding back around other cute guys for fear of them somehow catching on. He definitely had good reason to be cautious, because he’d definitely seen his fair share of guys that turned out to be homophobic. With David, however, it was completely different.

He seemed to catch on to Matteo’s disgustingly obvious flirting right away, and seemed to flirt back right away without a hiccup. Either that, or he was comfortable enough in his own heterosexuality to be close to other guys. Whatever the case, Matteo can’t help but obsess, even now, even though he knows that there’s a good chance that David won’t even show up later tonight; even though it was David who asked him to meet up again. It just feels too good to be true. Matteo knows by now that things don’t usually ever go his way, and this surely won’t be an exception. 

Perhaps David is taking the piss. Perhaps he noticed Matteo’s particularly pathetic and obvious attempts at flirting and decided to pity him. It doesn't matter much, however. If there’s even a small chance that Matteo gets to see David again, he’ll do everything in his power to make sure he takes it.

So, yeah. The three and a half hours of sleep that Matteo had gotten last night were totally worth it. 

Matteo floats through his day, keeping his mind present enough to take notes in class, but not enough to actually actively learn anything. That’s usually how things go anyways, regardless of the amount of sleep he gets the night before. He allows himself to write his notes out all by hand, making sure to keep his writing as neat as his chicken scratch will allow him. Maybe that way, the words swimming across the page will somehow stick.

Matteo knows by now that most of these words will not stick, no matter how hard he studies, no matter how much he understands the concepts when Amira or his teacher explain them to him. Nevertheless, he tries.

Matteo is almost startled by the final dismissal bell, which snaps him right out of his daydreams (which may or may not involve David.) He walks to his locker in a daze, his vision feeling almost like some sort of shot in a movie- floating above the ground, steady, but impersonal. It’s as if the lens through which he’s viewing the world is just that- a camera lens, able to capture everything but taking away any specific point of view. His mind is blank, not by his own volition either. It’s almost as if someone just stuck a camera inside his head and forced him to go along with it. 

It’s okay for the most part. Matteo likes movies. He likes being able to escape his own life, to live in someone else's reality for a little bit. 

David changed that. 

David snapped him right out of the movie in his head last night the second Matteo noticed him looking for a way through the locked fence. Suddenly, his eyes were his own, definitely more unsteady, but real and fleeting. And David, well, he felt real too. He felt like someone Matteo could spend a lot of time with and never get bored. He gave just enough information about himself to keep Matteo interested, but still insanely curious.

And Matteo wants to know everything about this boy. He wants to know what he looks like in the morning once he’s just woken up, he wants to know his friends, he wants to know how he likes his coffee, how he eats his eggs, _everything._

If David shows up tonight, maybe he can figure that out.

The bus ride home is uneventful, but Matteo can’t ignore the pit of dread in his stomach as he approaches his house. 

He knows that his mom will probably just be sleeping, much like she normally does. In reality, she doesn't do much these days, not since dad fucked off. Matteo wishes she would get out of bed and take him for ice cream, much like the way she used to do when he was a kid. 

Matteo’s not a kid anymore. He’s young, sure, on the precipice of adulthood, but he can’t expect things to remain the same. His mom has changed, her eyes have gotten more sad and sunken. She used to love to tell him stories, about anything and everything, and now she only seemed to talk about dad. 

Matteo is certain that, even if she did take him out for ice cream, it would carry the same vibe with it that his mom always seems to carry around- sad, distant, and tired. Those memories don’t deserve to be tarnished. 

He walks into his house to complete silence, bar for the clock ticking steadily from the living room. The pictures on the wall stare back at him, almost mockingly. His dad is still up there as well, despite Matteo’s insistence that the bastard didn’t deserve to ruin the memories of his happy childhood like that. He scowls at the family photo taken of him, his mom, and his dad several Christmasses ago. His dad is smiling, and it seems to reach his eyes, too. Matteo wonders if he’d already been thinking of leaving, even back then. 

He rolls his eyes without a second thought, and tredges up the stairs.

After setting his backpack down in his room, he tentatively approaches his mom’s room. When he knocks on the door, there is no answer.

“Mamma?” he calls out quietly as he opens the door anyway. The air is stale. It’s almost pitch black.

A small figure stirs under the covers. 

“Yes?” she whispers, her voice hoarse from misuse. 

“I’m making food,” he says, trying his best to keep his voice low and soft. “Would you like some?”

“No thanks,” she whispers back, just as hoarse as before. Matteo almost rolls his eyes, but guilt swirls in his stomach before he can. She is his mother, after all. 

“Okay,” Matteo replies with a sigh. “But please eat something later? It doesn't look like you’ve left your room all day.”

“Okay…”

Matteo lets out a much longer sigh. 

“Okay, “ he says, getting up from where he was leaning on the doorframe and moving to close the door. “I’ll save you some.”

His mother hums her approval. She sounds so tired. 

“Get some rest,” he murmurs, feeling his chest slump in on itself instinctively. He resigns himself to a night filled with doing absolutely nothing in his room and checking in on her every so often. 

He makes his pasta quickly, not putting too much effort into the sauce (much to his Italian grandmother’s dismay.) He pours a healthy amount of pasta for himself, and then puts the leftovers in a tupperware container. He places it in the fridge, which is almost empty, bar for the stray condiment bottles and one mouldy lemon.

Matteo makes a mental note to himself to ask his dad for more money so that he can do some grocery shopping. 

He closes the fridge with a sigh, already dreading the inevitable conversation with his dad.

He writes a quick note for his mom that says, _“dinner is in the fridge, please eat some <3.” _Upon sticking it on the fridge for her to see, he trudges back up to his room, an unholy amount of pasta already in his mouth.

His mother always used to tell him to never eat with a full mouth, that it could make him choke. When he was a kid, he would always listen. Now, he doesn't even care in the slightest.

He spends his evening playing games on his makeshift Nintendo Switch halfheartedly, barely even reacting when his character dies for the millionth time. 

He keeps an ear out for signs of movement, _anything,_ but he really doesn't hear anything. Matteo knows his mom, though, and he knows the patterns. If she doesn't get up tonight while he’s awake, her dinner will most certainly be gone come morning. It’s how most of his nights go.

He keeps an eye on the clock impatiently, and almost willing the disgustingly bright blue numbers to go faster. That’s the funny thing about time; it always seems to go much too fast when Matteo is enjoying himself, but much too slow when everything is bad. Take last night, for example, he and David had spent an hour together without even realising. But today has been so long for Matteo, that last night feels like a lifetime ago. Matteo almost feels cheated in a way, as if time were some omnipotent being that specifically had a vendetta against him. That is, of course, ridiculous, and what makes it even more frustrating. Matteo has no one to blame except his own perception of reality. 

By the time eleven rolls around, the air in his room feels a little too stifling for him to stay. He knows that he’s early, but he reckons he can roll a little extra joint for himself tonight and kill some time elsewhere before he goes to meet David. 

He looks at his pitiful stash, making another note to message Rentier tomorrow to stock up and gets to rolling his joints. Most people didn’t like this part, at least, that was the impression that Matteo’s gotten from Jonas and any of their other stoner friends. But Matteo likes this; he likes the methodical process of grinding and rolling. He likes the finicky rolling papers, the ones that never seem to tuck in just right, the ones that make him work harder. He knows it’s stupid, but the routine of it all gives him comfort. Just the act of getting everything ready is almost just as good as the high.

Matteo doesn't really want to put too much introspection into what that means for him, or how fucked up it may sound. He doesn't really want to face any realities about his problematic behaviours. He’s well-aware by now that his self destructive tendencies always end up getting the best of him. He knows that it will become a problem if he lets it. He doesn't really care.

He tucks the joints away in an old cigarette tin once he’s done rolling them and stashes them away in his giant coat pocket. He then shrugs the coat on, (the same one as yesterday,) and walks as quietly as he can out of his bedroom. 

He takes extra care to be as silent as possible as he passes his mom’s bedroom. He presses his ear to the door, listening for any sign of movement, but there is none.

He doesn't know if his mom knows about his almost daily nighttime excursions. Matteo’s not exactly the most sneaky about them, and he’s definitely walked in a couple times stoned out of his mind only to notice his mom walking around in the kitchen. She never says anything beyond a casual greeting, though, so Matteo figures that she either doesn't notice or doesn't care. He isn’t sure which is worse.

He walks as quietly as he can down the stairs and out the front door, closing it and then locking it with his keys. He waits, and listens, just to make sure she hasn’t heard anything. 

After a few seconds, he only hears silence, so he figures that he’s safe.

The streets of Berlin are always the most peaceful at night, when there’s no one around. It’s like time has almost frozen, just for a little bit, and given Matteo an opportunity to have a break. Perhaps the weed also slows down his perception of the passing time, or perhaps it’s the night itself. 

It’s always given Matteo peace, ever since he can remember. The night has never really been scary for him, not in the way the dark normally would scare other children. He would always stay up late, as late as his body would allow him, so long as it would give him the pleasure of experiencing the stillness once more. The stillness seemed to last, as well, so long he stayed awake long enough to experience the sun rise. If he managed to fall asleep, then it was game over, and everything would be too fast again, right from the moment when he wakes up.

And nothing was as timeless as a crabby 24-hour convenience store in the middle of the night, which is Matteo’s first stop. It’s always the same guy, as well, who always gives him a tired but warm smile whenever Matteo enters the store. He reckons the guy has recognized him for quite some time now, and he feels bad for never asking for his name. Then again, the guy never asks for his either, so Matteo reckons they’re both more than happy to be comfortable strangers. 

Like clockwork, the clerk gives him a warm smile as soon as he notices that Matteo has walked in. Matteo smiles back, but he reckons his facial muscles are only able to pull a strange grimace. 

He grabs some snacks, mostly out of foolish hope that David will actually want to stay and hang with him once the munchies kick in. He doesn't really know what to expect for tonight, and so naturally, his mind is running with the worst possible scenarios imaginable. 

He brings the multitude of snacks up to the counter, smiling softly at the clerk, who looks back at him with amusement. This is also part of their routine; the lighthearted teasing at whatever strange combination of things Matteo always seems to buy. 

“Do you want a bag with these?” the clerk asks, a small smile on his face.

“Yes, please,” Matteo murmurs bashfully, reaching down to take his wallet out of his jeans pocket. 

The clerk scans and bags the items with ease as Matteo waits there awkwardly.

“Don’t you have school tomorrow?” the clerk asks suddenly, startling Matteo out of his own head. 

“Um…” he trails off, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Yeah, how did you know that?”

“Guess,” the clerk shrugs nonchalantly, pressing a few buttons on the cash register. “That’ll be 11.60 please.”

Matteo hands him a 20 and pockets the change when he gets it back. It’s the last 20 that his dad had given him since they’d last spoken, and it probably could have been used on more important things. Matteo doesn't really give a shit, because he knows that his dad will always give him more if he really guilts him into it. 

Besides, it almost gives him a sick sense of satisfaction to waste his dad’s guilt money like this. Serves him right.

“Um…” the clerk trails off, looking at Matteo with pity in his eyes. “Try not to stay out too late, and uh, take care, kid.”

Matteo blinks at him with wide eyes. He clears his throat. 

“Um, thank you,” he croaks, training his gaze back onto the dirty floor. “You take care, too.”

They nod at each other, and Matteo smiles a little bit.

He doesn't dwell on the strange emptiness that has started to develop in his chest as he walks out of the store. Instead, he takes his joint out of the tin, places it in the corner of his mouth, and then pats his pockets for his lighter. He manages to find it hidden somewhere within the large wasteland of his jacket pockets and lights up, breathing in the smoke with practiced ease. 

The smoke used to choke him, used to make him feel like he would never breathe properly again. But now, the burning warmth greets him like an old friend.

He heads towards the abandoned military base once more. 

He loses track of time a little bit, fucking around on his phone and finishing up his first joint as he sits by the gate. The ground is cold, in fact, it’s so freezing that Matteo can barely feel his ass anymore, but he pays it no mind. 

His head is finally at peace again, finally spinning slightly and finally able to slow down beyond the peace of the night. He feels much more when he’s like this, feels the peace of the night with an extra layer of gratitude. He remembers last night much better, remembers how much David had made his insides twist around and the way he’d made Matteo’s face burn bright red without even trying. He really hopes that he’ll have the pleasure of experiencing that again. 

Maybe another hour and most of Matteo’s high has passed by the time he hears the telltale sound of a longboard.

Matteo perks right up, rubs his cold hands together to create some warmth, and finally, _finally,_ David comes around the corner. 

The moment he spots Matteo he stops, and he smiles. And _oh boy._

If Matteo were able to write poetry he reckons he would write a million sonnets just about David’s smile, something akin to what Shakespeare would do with his lovers. He doesn't even care how cheesy that sounds, because he’s honestly never seen someone look so beautiful ever before. Not even Jonas came close to this. 

Matteo’s heart rate starts to pick up involuntarily as he smiles back, feeling the heat already radiating from his face. 

David begins to walk closer, picking up his longboard and tucking it under his arm. 

“Hey, na?” he says, his eyes twinkling bright. Matteo thinks he almost swoons.

“Hey,” Matteo replies, placing a hand down on the ground as leverage so that he can stand up. His stiff legs shriek in protest, but Matteo pays them no mind. 

David looks him up and down (not checking him out, Matteo has to remind himself), and then leans against the wall right next to Matteo. 

“What’s in the bag?” David asks excitedly, attempting to look past Matteo to sneak a look at the plastic bag at their feet. 

“You’ll see,” Matteo responds, reaching into his pocket for the second joint with a small smirk. “But first, you wanna?”

“Yeah,” David replies, much more sure than last night. He looks into Matteo’s eyes with a sheepish smile, which makes Matteo’s stomach do backflips. 

Matteo’s certain that his stomach doesn't stop doing backflips for the entire time that they’re smoking together. If anything, the feeling intensifies when the head high begins to kick in again. In any other circumstances, Matteo wouldn’t allow himself to be this open around anyone, to smile this freely, to let his eyes wander wherever they want (read: David’s face.)

But now, as David starts telling him some funny story about his ridiculous and authoritarian gym teacher, Matteo finds himself entranced. He finds himself entranced by the way that David speaks, the way his brows furrow adorably when he’s listening to Matteo, the way his fingers fidget when they’re not holding the joint, his entire demeanour. Matteo’s so whipped it’s not even funny. 

David also brings out a small-ish journal from the inside pocket of his coat and opens it. The pages unfold and spread out like a fan, and Matteo leans in close to be able to see better. 

They’re drawings, and really fucking good ones at that. There are words, too, messy and hastily scribbled, nothing that Matteo can make out with a fleeting glance. There are photos as well, coloured and black and white, textured and old, some of them with scribbled drawings over the top. 

“Woah,” Matteo breathes quietly, reaching out to pause David’s hands that are flipping through the pages. “You’re really good.”

“I don’t know,” David says modestly, shrugging casually. 

“Yes, you are,” Matteo disagrees, tracing a finger lightly across the drawing of a bird with a broken wing. “I like it when you do this- draw something over top a photo and then stick it onto something else.”

“It’s called a collage,” David teases lightly, and Matteo turns to look at him with an unimpressed glare. David lets out a laugh, his smile wide and uninhibited, and Matteo’s breath catches in his chest. 

He’s pretty sure that’s David’s smile alone is just as beautiful as his drawings. 

  
  


It’s at some indiscernible time after they’ve finished the joint that David pipes up.

“Fuck, I’m so hungry,” he complains, leaning his head back against the wall.

Matteo smiles. “C’mon,” he admonishes teasingly, reaching to the side to grab the almost forgotten plastic bag. “You really think that I would come without snacks? What kind of stoner do you take me for?”

David gasps, looking into the bag with kid-like excitement. 

“Now this is perfect,” he says, grabbing a random bag of chips and opening it almost immediately. He shoves a chip into his mouth without any table manners and lets out a ridiculously exaggerated groan at the taste.

He’s so high, it’s adorable.

“Good?” Matteo muses, reaching into the bag to grab some for himself. 

“This is the best thing I’ve ever tasted,” David mumbles around his mouthful, completely deadpan.

Maybe it’s the crush, or maybe it’s the fact that Matteo’s also quite high as well that makes him giggle uncontrollably. 

“Yo, fuck you!” David exclaims, his voice finally clear now that he’s swallowed his mouthful of chip. “You just don’t know gourmet food when you see it.”

“Um, I know gourmet food very well, thank you very much,” Matteo retorts, placing the chip in his mouth (and okay, maybe David _does_ have a point with these chips.) “I spent my entire childhood watching my nonna cook, and I think none of that food involved chips.”

“Well,” David says, grabbing a handful of chips this time and placing another in his mouth. “She was missing out on these, then.”

“She was,” Matteo concedes around another mouthful. Sue him, he’s _hungry._

There’s a beat of pleasant silence, and then, “You’re Italian, then?”

Matteo startles slightly, but shakes himself out of it. By now, his friends at school know better than to mention his Italian side in conversation. But David doesn't know anything.

“Uh, I’m half-Italian,” he answers cautiously, swallowing his food. “My dad was born and raised in Italy.”

“Oh, cool,” David says, completely nonchalantly, and Matteo breathes out a sigh of relief. 

  
  


He doesn't really mean to let anything personal slip as time passes, but when another beat of silence comes upon them, he really can’t help himself.

“I don’t really know what I’m going to do after my Abi,” he says quietly, fiddling with the large pocket of his jacket. “I don’t really know if I can plan that far ahead.”

“Sure you can,” David argues softly, turning his head to look at Matteo. “What’s stopping you?”

Matteo sighs heavily, watching the cold air accompany the exhale. 

“Um, it’s just that,” he pauses, wracking his brain for a second. “Things aren’t so great at home, you know…”

“I do,” David replies, much to Matteo’s surprise. Matteo turns to look at him only to see nothing but sincerity in those brown eyes. They share a glance, an inkling of understanding, and Matteo feels his heart melt.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Matteo says after a beat. “You know, that it happened to you, too.”

David smiles again, but this time, it’s tight. “It’s not your fault,” he murmurs, breaking the eye contact to fiddle with his hands again. “But if it means anything, I’m sorry for you, too.”

Matteo looks to his lap and swallows the lump in his throat. 

“You know what?” David says suddenly, sitting up and straightening his posture. “I think we should find a way into the military base. There’s something I want to show you.”

Matteo sits up as well, furrowing his brows in confusion. “What do you want to show me?”

David looks at him and smiles, but he doesn't say anything. 

Matteo smiles back, but rolls his eyes, which makes David snicker. 

When Matteo’s done with the dramatics, they meet eyes again. He can hear the pounding of his heart in his ears as David’s eyes slowly drag down to his lips and then back up again. 

It’s strange, really. This is the first time that Matteo’s ever felt fully comfortable around another guy, and it’s definitely the first time it seems like one has flirted back with him. He should be more nervous, honestly. He should be tucking his tail between his legs and running away in fear. Or, he should at least be frozen on the spot, completely terrified of the _look_ that David is giving him right now. But he isn’t. Matteo’s fight-or-flight is almost nowhere to be found.

Sure, he’s nervous as hell, and there are a million butterflies in his stomach, but he welcomes them. It’s exciting, exhilarating even, but mostly, it’s the most comfortable that Matteo has felt in his entire life; right here, sat on the frozen ground in the middle of the night with a practical stranger. 

Which is why he nudges his head forward just so slightly, looking at David with a hesitant smile, as if to say, _you’re calling the shots here._

David must get the message loud and clear, because suddenly, his face is so close that Matteo can practically count every single eyelash framing his eyes. And then they’re touching foreheads, and David’s nudging his nose against his, and it’s everything Matteo could have possibly wanted, no, _needed,_ right this moment-

Matteo startles back when David’s phone begins to vibrate. He blinks, and so does David. Matteo smiles to himself a little, noting how dazed David looks as he scrambles to take his phone out of his pocket and look at the caller ID.

“Fuck,” David curses, and then answers. “Yeah?”

Matteo’s definitely frustrated, and definitely knows that he’s just made things awkward between them, but he can’t help but snicker when he overhears the voice on the phone. 

_“David FUCKING Schreibner, what the fuck are you doing out of the house again?”_ says a female voice, almost a little shrill. _“You know that you live in Berlin now, right? This isn’t like back home where you could just leave at any time-”_

“Jesus Christ, Laura, calm down!” David exclaims, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “I’m fine, I know how to handle myself.”

 _“Yeah, sure you do,”_ the voice- Laura- replies. _“Until a robber comes around and mugs you or someone comes and beats you up-”_

“I hate to break it to you,” David interrupts hesitantly. “But I think people are more likely to be scared of me than the other way around. Male privilege, and all that.”

 _“Male privilege,”_ Laura mocks him, which makes David smile. _“Alright, fine, you have a point there. But you’re my little brother, and I’m responsible for you, which is why you need to come home now. It’s almost four in the morning-”_

“Oh fuck!” David curses, and looks to Matteo. Matteo shrugs incredulously. “I didn’t realise it was that late.”

Neither did Matteo. There goes the time again.

“Okay,” David continues before Laura can reply again. “I’m not far away, I’ll be there soon. Sorry for making you worry.”

 _“Oh, you wish,”_ Laura teases, which makes Matteo smile. _“You’re such a little shit.”_

“Yeah, yeah,” David snorts, casting a shy smile in Matteo’s direction. “I’ll be home soon.”

He hangs the phone up and looks down at his feet once more. He looks bashful, more than he has all night. And if Matteo isn’t mistaken, there’s a hint of a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Um,” David says, pocketing his phone again. “Well, I guess I gotta go again now.”

“Yeah,” Matteo sighs, his shoulders slumping in disappointment. “Um, I had fun tonight.”

Matteo’s unattractive blush comes back. 

“So did I,” David murmurs with a small smile, meeting Matteo’s eyes once more. “I guess I’ll get going then. Did you want to meet up sometime soon again?”

“Yeah!” Matteo exclaims, and then snaps his mouth shut in embarrassment. “I mean, uh, yeah, that would be chill.”

David snorts and smiles fondly. “Okay,” he says, and then takes a deep breath. “Then give me your phone.”

Matteo takes his phone out of his pocket, unlocks it, and then hands it to David with a questioning glance. 

“So that we can figure out a date later,” David answers, tapping away at Matteo’s phone. When he hands Matteo’s phone back, his own phone buzzes in his pocket.

“A date?” Matteo asks belatedly, his heart stopping slightly. 

“Yeah?” David says, opening his own phone, typing a little bit, and then handing it to Matteo. “You know, a date that we can meet up? Here, save yourself as a contact.”

Matteo nods in response, feeling too much like an idiot to say anything. _A day to meet up, duh._

He saves himself as Luigi to be a little shit before handing the phone back to David.

“There you go,” he mumbles quietly, placing his hands back into his oversized pockets.

“Thanks,” David replies, and stands up, picking his longboard up and placing it under his arm. “I’ll, uh, see you later?”

“Yeah, you will,” Matteo says, training his eyes up to meet David’s. They smile at each other for a moment.

“Goodnight, Matteo,” David murmurs, and with that, he turns and begins to walk down the street.

“Goodnight,” Matteo replies after him, watching as David’s head turns to look over his shoulder. He smiles briefly and then looks forward again, his figure disappearing as he turns the corner. 

Matteo’s head falls back against the wall with a _thump._

He chuckles to himself, shaking his head in disbelief.

_He’s so fucked._

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he unlocks it with almost superhuman speed. 

From: David

_Buona notte, Luigi._

To: David

_Buona notte. I had fun tonight :)_

From: David

_:)_

Matteo locks his phone and stands up, a sudden burst of energy overtaking him.

It’s the only thing that gets him home. It’s what lets him unlock his front door as quietly as possible, what lets him check the fridge, what lets him smile to himself as he notices the missing tupperware container. Matteo knows this is routine, and he knows that this solves nothing. But as he closes the fridge door and notices an almost identical heart scrawled on his note in his mother’s writing right next to his own, he can’t help but let himself think that maybe, just _maybe,_ things will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought! i always love chatting with y'all!


	3. don't get any big ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David’s in deep shit, and funnily enough, he can’t bring himself to care all that much. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellllllooooo!  
> im excited to share this chapter with you, i hope you enjoy!
> 
> chapter title comes from "nude" by radiohead
> 
> disclaimer: there will be a lot more explicit internalised transphobia and gender dysphoria in this chapter. everything that i write is only based off my own experiences as a trans person, and most importantly, does NOT reflect how i feel about other trans people. internalised transphobia is a very unique experience, which forces the person to take on the perception of what transphobes think of them. it's brutal, unconstructive, but its done as a protective barrier against transphobia. for me, it was a way to be less hurt when i told myself this stuff rather than by hearing from people refuse to even accept my existence. please keep that in mind going forward.  
> if you are affected by internalised transphobia/gender dysphoria, or if you just want to talk about trans-related things, please feel free to reach out to me or to a trusted friend. im here for you, and i promise you're not alone <3

David’s in deep shit, and funnily enough, he can’t bring himself to care all that much. 

So, he and Matteo had almost kissed, which completely confirmed David’s suspicions that there was something between them. 

And oh boy, was there something between them. David doesn't even fully have words to describe the way that he feels around Matteo, especially when they’re centimetres away from kissing. He wants to say electric, but that feels too cheesy. Of course, it made him so nervous that he could’ve almost run in the opposite direction, but Matteo’s general demeanour was so non-threatening that David couldn’t help but stay.

Matteo was so soft spoken, quiet, but not shy. He had no problem goofing off and joking around when the atmosphere was right, but also knew how to hold back when the moment called for it. It was good, it gave David a chance to think through his words carefully, to not let anything incriminating slip. 

It was as if Matteo knew what David needed to get his words out; sometimes, he needed time to formulate them properly. Other times, however, when David’s guard was down and he was joking around, Matteo matched his energy almost right away, had a response ready on the tip of his tongue; whether it be a lighthearted jab, or a funny retort. He’d never met someone who could keep up with his own seemingly juxtaposing energy. 

It wasn’t David’s fault, either, that he could turn his social skills off so fast that it almost seemed abrupt. Laura liked to tease him about it sometimes; how he could go from talkative to completely shutting up and staring off into space. She seemed to think it was just David being a moody teenager. And while that may be partly true, David knows that’s not all of it.

He knows what it’s like to feel seen one moment, and then completely disregarded in the next. Like how he could be talking to his parents without a hitch, and then suddenly he’s misgendered without them even  _ realising.  _ Nothing quite brings David out of the moment like those situations. It’s a strange, hollow sensation, right in his chest. It feels like he’s the only person who actually sees himself, and everyone else just sees something else, something completely  _ wrong;  _ as if he can control the body that he was born in, or the little “F” on his passport where the “M” should be. As if he can control his thoughts.

He can’t control his thoughts, because if he could, he’d do anything to make sure that people only ever saw the real him. If he could just control his thoughts, then he could’ve avoided all of this; his parents’ mere tolerance, the awful kids at his old school, the way his family always avoided using his name or pronouns so as to not “trigger” him when they’d inevitably mess it up. If he could control his thoughts, then he’d make sure that he never feels completely alone in a room full of people telling him that they love him.

Matteo seemed to be the only person who gets it, who understood that sometimes, it was better to stay silent than to be misconstrued. He’d mentioned family problems as well, which means that he must’ve understood to at least some degree what it felt like to have these situations be completely out of his hands; the feeling of powerlessness that accompanied it, which made David’s face flush with anger and his fingers twitch at his sides.

David reckons this is the only reason he’s going to invite Matteo to the pool and kiss the living hell out of him; because he can, because he knows that Matteo feels the same way, because actions always come easier than words for David. But mostly, he’s going to do it because he’s never been allowed this, never been allowed to kiss a boy he likes without the fear of getting ridiculed. He’s never been allowed to even explore his sexuality, despite knowing from an early age that he’s never really had a preference for any gender. He’s doing this for  _ himself. _

He’ll just have to tell Matteo that he’s trans another time. 

He’s so wrapped up in formulating his plan that he startles when the bell rings. Around him, his classmates start to pack their stuff and leave. David slams his notebook shut and reaches under his desk to throw it into his backpack, when a voice stops him.

“Hey, David,” says a familiar voice, light and feminine, from his right.

David turns, only to find one of the friendly girls from his gym class smiling at him. She’s pretty (nothing compared to Matteo, of course), with long dirty blonde hair that’s thrown over one shoulder.

“Hey,” he replies, sending her a smile of his own. “You’re Leonie, right?”

“Yeah!” she exclaims, a slight blush starting to form on her cheeks. “I was just wondering if you wanted to join me and my friend Sara later today in gym? She’s really nice, I promise.”

“Oh!” David says, definitely taken aback but also pleasantly surprised. “Uh, yeah, that’d be awesome. Thanks.”

“Good,” Leonie remarks brightly, standing up and throwing her bag over her shoulder. “I’ll see you later then!”

“Bye!” David calls after her. They smile briefly at each other before Leonie turns and heads out of the classroom. 

David packs his bag in a daze, almost in shock at how  _ nice _ she’d been. He can’t even remember the last time that a girl who wasn’t Laura was nice to him. 

It puts a good feeling in his stomach, despite the fact that he knows he’ll never let himself get too close to Leonie. It’s better, so much better than before, just like Laura had said. 

Maybe David really can get a fresh start. 

He’s so deep in thought that he almost doesn't realise that he’s walking straight towards Matteo.

David stops, completely startled, and stares. He normally wouldn’t be this transparent, but he honestly can’t help himself.

There he is, standing right in front of David, ruffling through his mess of a locker. He looks even better in the daylight, despite the complete mess of hair piled atop his head, and the absolutely hideous grandpa sweater that hugs his waist loosely. David’s almost impressed; Matteo is the first person to have better ugly sweater game than himself. 

He’s muttering to himself, cursing as he seemingly looks for something in his locker, but obviously isn’t able to find it. His nose is scrunched up adorably, and he sniffles lightly, rolling his eyes as he pulls away from his locker only to-

Their eyes meet, and Matteo’s widen in shock. David chuckles to himself, wondering how he didn’t figure this out earlier. After all, Matteo is his age and lives somewhere in the same neighbourhood as him. It honestly makes a lot of sense. 

“Hey,” David says, approaching Matteo’s locker hesitantly. “Na?”

“I didn’t know that you went here,” is Matteo’s stammer of an answer. His cheeks are flushed red, and David imagines that his are also in a similar state. He knows what Matteo is thinking, only because it’s the exact same thing that he himself is also thinking of; the almost kiss. 

David remembers the way that his stomach swooped when Matteo leaned in close and pressed his forehead against David’s. Despite the cold air around them, David felt completely enveloped by Matteo’s warmth, by his wonderfully mixed scent of weed and teenage boy. It was something that David wanted to experience over and over again, as often as he possibly could.

“I just moved here, remember?” is David’s delayed answer. He feels a little bad for getting lost in thought, but Matteo looks just as dazed as he feels, so he figures he probably shouldn’t worry too much.

“Oh, right,” says Matteo a little absently. He smiles his sheepish smile, the same one that David had seen one hundred times last night. David feels like turning into a puddle of goo every time Matteo smiles at him. It always feels sacred somehow, getting Matteo to laugh and smile around him, like they were sharing a secret that only the two of them knew about. Quite frankly, David is just happy to even get a chance to be let into Matteo’s world like this.

“So, um, I was thinking,” David blurts out before he can stop himself, wringing his hands together awkwardly. “I don’t really want my sister getting mad at me for sneaking out again, so did you maybe want to do something together after school? That is, if you don’t have plans or-”

“Yes!” Matteo interrupts as a slow grin spreads across his flushed face. David doesn't think he’s seen anyone so  _ cute _ before. “I mean, no, I don’t have any plans, and yes, I’d love to do something with you.”

“Awesome,” David says, bouncing on his feet a little bit; something he tends to do when he’s excited. “Then uh, let’s meet back here when school ends and we can go?”

“Sounds good,” Matteo replies, seeming a little antsy himself. “See you then.”

“Bye.”

David gives him one last smile and turns away before he can make an even bigger fool of himself. 

  
  
  


It’s only when David’s eating lunch by himself by the courtyard, fork in his left hand and pencil in his right, that he realises he may have fucked up a little bit. 

From: Laura

_ Hey punk. Got us some beers for tonights Jarmusch marathon, can you pick up some snacks on your way home from school? _

David reads the message and allows the guilt to swoop in his stomach before he decides to just call her instead. 

“Hey,” comes Laura’s surprised voice on the second ring. “Couldn’t have just texted me back or?”

“Um…” David trails off, clearing his throat slightly. “Is it okay if we put a rain check on tonight? I sort of have some plans with someone.”

“Oh, uh yeah, sure,” Laura says, in the tone that David  _ knows _ means she’s disappointed but is trying to hide it. She pauses for a second, and then speaks again, this time without a hint of disappointment. “Wait, plans? With who?”

“Just, uh, a friend from school is all,” David replies, trying his best to remain nonchalant but failing miserably. 

“A friend?!” Laura yells into the phone excitedly, making David wince slightly at the volume increase. “Tell me about them!”

“Uhhh…” David trails off again, wondering how he can weasel his way out of this one. “He’s just, uh, a cool guy I met in one of my classes.”

“A  _ cool  _ guy?” Laura teases, snorting slightly. “Okay? That’s it? A cool guy?”

“Um…”

“Wait a second,” Laura says, effectively cutting off any bullshit David was about to give her. “Do you  _ like  _ him?”

Busted.

“Uh…” David mumbles, mentally slapping a hand to his forehead because he knows he can’t lie for shit. 

“My baby brother has a date?!” Laura yells, somehow even louder than before. “Oh my God, this is awesome! Don’t even worry about tonight, as long as you tell me  _ everything  _ that happens! Oh, also, remember to use protection-”

“Woah, slow down there,” David interrupts with a nervous laugh. “We’re just gonna hang out, nothing else. Besides, I don’t really need my big sister to give me the sex talk, thank you very much.”

“Oh, come  _ on,” _ his sister laments, her voice high and whiny. “I’m not stupid, I know what  _ hanging out  _ really means. I just want to make sure that you’re being careful is all.”

“I am,” David reassures, smiling slightly. “Don’t worry.”

“Does he…” Laura trails off, suddenly hesitant. “Does he  _ know?” _

There it is. David was wondering how long it would take for her to bring it up.

“No, but I’m going to tell him soon,” David says with an exasperated sigh. “Is it a crime to want to just hang out with someone without needing to justify my existence?”

“No, of course not,” is Laura’s quick reply, as if they haven’t had this exact conversation before. “I just don’t want you to get too into this boy only to have him hurt you.”

“I know,” David murmurs, letting his shoulder slump away, effectively ridding his body of any defensiveness. “And I’m not going to let anything go on too long without him knowing. I just want to spend this weekend being a normal teenager.”

“Okay,” Laura says, her voice soft. “I get it. Go have fun tonight. But you still owe me snacks, jackass.”

“Yeah, yeah,” David answers dismissively. “See you later.”

“See you.”

David hangs up, setting his phone down to his side and taking a bite of his almost-cold lunch. He sighs, trying not to let the pit of dread in his stomach take over his thoughts.

He can’t let himself believe that Matteo is transphobic. Not the sweet, soft boy that he’d almost kissed. He was too good, too fucking lovely to possibly be that way. And he seemed fairly left wing in general with his politics from what David could tell, he had even attended a few Fridays for Future marches. 

But of course, the most seemingly tolerant people can surprise you. David knows exactly what that’s like.

He clears his throat, shaking his head so as to not let that memory pick too much at the scar and spill open again with bright red blood. Not everyone will be like  _ them. _ Hopefully not. 

Just a normal weekend. David allows himself one normal weekend, and then he’ll tell Matteo the truth.

  
  


Matteo is already waiting by his locker by the time David comes out of his last class of the day. It was gym, and it was surprisingly good. Normally, he was slightly intimidated by Herr Neuhaus, as were most people in the class. But surprisingly, both Leonie and Sara were extremely nice and included him without a hitch. They’d chatted about their normal gossip together, seemingly not caring that David was almost a complete stranger. David had stayed silent for the most part, mostly because he didn’t really understand girl talk, and only spoke up when a question was directed towards him. Then of course, there was Sara asking him for “guy advice” about a guy that she was into that kept ghosting her. David didn’t really have the heart to tell her that he definitely didn’t understand guy talk either, or that the guy she was into definitely wasn’t into her at all. Given the look that he and Leonie shared, it didn’t seem like it took a guy to notice this, either.

But of course, as soon as he lays eyes on Matteo, any previous interactions in his mind are completely knocked out and replaced. David doesn't even mind in the slightest, not when Matteo is smiling at him, his hair mussed as always and his eyes shy. David just wants to kiss him right then and there, but he knows better than that. 

“Hey,” is what he says instead as he approaches Matteo. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” Matteo replies a little breathlessly, pushing himself off the lockers that he’d been leaning against. “Lead the way.”

  
  


David doesn't have his longboard nor his bike, so they walk to the military base. It doesn't take that long honestly, especially when Matteo keeps kicking at his heels teasingly and then snickering when David flips him off in response. 

David wonders if this is how Matteo acts around all his friends, or if he’s trying to flirt. Judging by the slight blush on his cheeks at every joking retaliatory insult that David throws his way, he reckons it’s the latter.

When they reach the base, Matteo stares up at the fence with an inquisitive look on his face. David follows his gaze, looking up to the very top of the gate, before slapping his own face.

“Wow, I’m stupid,” he murmurs in response to Matteo’s alarmed glance his way. “We can climb the fence, c’mon.”

Of course, why didn’t he see it before? Perhaps it was the darkness, or perhaps it was the wonderful distraction that he’d gotten that first night. Either way, David sort of feels like an idiot for not noticing this loophole when it was staring right down at him the whole time. 

“Climb it?” Matteo responds, his voice a little nervous. “You don’t think it’s too high?”

“Nah,” David says, grinning as he notices a bar running horizontal in one of the gaps in the fence, just tall enough to step onto for leverage. “It’s not too high. But don’t worry, if you fall, I’ll catch you.”

With that, David climbs up and hops over the fence, thankfully landing on both feet without a hitch. He thanks Herr Neuhaus for the rope climbing unit they had to do last week. He turns back to Matteo, who’s looking at him with an expression that he can’t quite place. 

They meet eyes, and David raises his eyebrows challengingly, daring Matteo to join him.

Obviously, Matteo gets the message, because he steps up onto the same bar David had and starts to climb, definitely a little clumsily, and throws himself over the fence as well. 

David makes a teasing move to catch him, which makes Matteo snort as he lands a little shakily on his own two feet.

“My Prince charming,” Matteo retorts, curtseying mockingly, which makes David snort.

“You know it,” David teases back, to which Matteo wipes his fence-dirty hands on his jacket in response. David moves back quickly, but not quick enough to avoid the wrath of Matteo.

“Asshole,” he remarks, rolling his eyes as he turns on one foot, starting to walk down the path ahead of him. He doesn't need to hear the footsteps behind him to know that Matteo is following.

  
  


After a little bit of whining and questioning from Matteo, and a few minutes of scanning the perimeter of the building, David finally finds his ticket in; a broken window hidden behind an old plank of wood. Perfect.

“Here,” David says proudly, moving the plank of wood while looking over his shoulder. “Let’s go in.”

“Dude, you’re not serious, are you?” Matteo giggles, his voice breaking adorably.

“Yup,” David replies, propping the plank up onto the wall next to him and out of the way before ducking down into the small window space. Without hesitation, he ducks into the building, stepping onto the ledge on the inside and dropping down onto the ground once he’s checked that it’s safe to do so.

Matteo comes in not too long after, swinging from his arms and landing slightly unstably on the dirty floor. They meet eyes in the dark, and David pulls out the flashlight that he always keeps with him for this exact reason from his jacket and turns it on. He smiles at Matteo, who smiles back as he brings out his phone, turning on his own flashlight. The two lights illuminate the corridor enough for David to get a general outline of the path ahead of them. 

“Let’s go,” he murmurs, shining his flashlight forward and motioning with his free hand for Matteo to follow him. 

Matteo does gladly, his eyes alight with wonder as he takes in the decrepit building around him, which makes David smile to himself. Matteo seems to understand why David likes to explore these types of buildings so much; the way that they almost seem to transport David to another time and place, to another world. 

Of course, they don’t really take him anywhere, but instead gives him a looking glass into someone else’s world. He sees the halls that someone else walked down every single day without thought, without the knowledge that someday, all their work would be for nought. It should freak David out, but it really doesn't. Because he knows that nothing is permanent except for the ruins that it leaves behind. One day, he will just be a memory in someone else’s mind, a story to tell others, and he will live on, despite his physical body being gone. 

Given the way that Matteo is looking at the debris around him, the walls that are falling apart, David knows that he gets it. They meet eyes and share another smile. Matteo’s eyes are twinkling even in the darkness.

But David isn’t here just to explore some random hallways. No. He’s read about this place, about its history, and is after one thing and one thing only. It has to be here, somewhere maybe upstairs in the light.

They manage to stumble upon a staircase that leads up, which David figures is clue enough to his destination. Before he takes his first step, he notices something, a little red and rusty wheel, lying still on the floor. It used to have a purpose, surely, perhaps as a cog in a machine. Now, David isn’t quite sure what it can be used for, but surely it would be better off with him rather than left to rust in an old, abandoned building. He pockets it, not bothering to answer the questioning glance that Matteo throws his way.

Instead, he starts to climb the stairs quickly and opens the door. 

There are more hallways; rooms without a purpose, spray painted nonsense on the wall, and debris on the floor that probably hasn’t been touched in decades. David ignores it, weaving in and around the halls, climbing up staircases when he finds them, and looking over his shoulder every once and awhile to ensure that Matteo is behind him.

Matteo seems curious, most likely holding back many questions, but he stays silent. Instead, he makes sure to nudge David every once and awhile, kicking his feet lightly, or tapping his shoulder to annoy him. It doesn't take long for David to realise what he’s doing, he’s making sure that David doesn't stop paying attention to him. It reminds him of how he would act around Laura when they were kids, making sure that his older sister always knew what sort of shit he was getting himself into. It speaks louder than any of Matteo’s words can, lets him know that Matteo wants to be around him, wants his full and undivided attention. It’s innocent, it’s lovely, and it’s _ so _ Matteo that it somehow manages to charm the hell out of him.

There is a turquoise door in front of him, one that has a faded sign on it that David can’t quite make out, but he reckons this must be it. He turns to smile at Matteo, and opens the door. 

_ Finally. _

He goes in first, stopping abruptly just to let the beautiful sight in front of him mesmerise him. Matteo follows and stops right next to him, letting out the smallest of  _ woah’s _ as he also takes in the sight.

It’s a pool, devoid of its intended purpose entirely, which is David’s favourite part. There’s no water, no reason for anyone to even want to go here. And yet, its beauty knocks him right off his feet, from the dirt caked in between the old pool tiles all the way up to the high rise ceilings. He whistles, and the noise echoes loudly around him. 

Matteo whistles back, which makes David retaliate again. They snicker at each other, the sounds reverberating off the empty walls. It sounds like music to David’s ears.

Without hesitation, he motions for Matteo to follow him, and starts to climb down the pool ladder, jumping the last couple of steps and landing with a loud, echoey  _ thud  _ on the pool floor. 

Matteo follows him without a hitch as soon as David’s given him the room to land. He looks at Matteo, at his bright blue eyes, so  _ alive, _ and he takes off, racing Matteo all the way to the other end of the pool. He feels like a kid again, racing his older sister for no other reason besides the fact that he could. 

Matteo runs after him, but David just beats him, throwing himself fully against the pool wall and giggling. 

David thinks his face is flushed, and his grin is so wide that it must look ridiculous, but he doesn't care. He feels his blood pumping through his veins and into his heart, feels the adrenaline coursing all the way from the tips of his hair to the bottom of his feet, right here with Matteo. Matteo looks at him, his own face flushed, smiling, and so  _ fucking _ vibrant. 

“I won,” David teases with a smile, his voice echoing loudly. For once, his own voice doesn't feel like a stranger to him. It’s deep, raspy, and playful, just the way that it was always supposed to be. 

Matteo smiles and rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything. David reckons he doesn't need to. Quite frankly, he’d be happy to spend forever down here with Matteo just simply existing.

Still, he can’t help but explain himself just a little bit.

“I’ve always wanted to come here,” he continues as he leans against the wall, to which Matteo does as well. Matteo smiles again at him, training his gaze up at the ceiling in wonder. 

He seems overwhelmed in the best way possible, taking in his surroundings with all his concentration, which definitely does not exclude David. 

David feels his stomach swoop slightly with the way that Matteo looks at him, almost as if he’s just as in awe of David as he is of the rest of the room. 

David has to do something with the adrenaline running wild in his body, and so he uses the wall as leverage to push himself forward, walking along the line of the old pool dividers.

He looks to his side just in time to watch Matteo leap up and hit the divider, the plastic clicking and bouncing together loudly. And then they walk along the line, each on one end of the divider. Matteo runs his hand along it lightly, training his gaze up to watch what he’s doing, which makes David smile. He wants to kiss Matteo  _ so _ bad. 

So, he crosses the line, stepping right in front of Matteo, breaking the boy’s concentration. David looks him in the eyes, which makes Matteo chuckle slightly, looking down at his feet.

“You know,” David says boldly, walking around Matteo and behind him, walking backwards once Matteo turns around to look at him. “We’re technically underwater right now.”

Matteo doesn't reply with words, but instead makes the smallest and possibly the cutest swimming motion with his hands, as if he were moving underwater.

“That means we technically can’t breathe,” David continues, raising his eyebrows challengingly at Matteo, and squishing down any of his anxieties right down to the soles of his shoes. “I bet I can hold my breath longer than you.”

Matteo sucks in a deep breath in response that echoes all the way around him. David follows the motion with a smile and closes his mouth, holding his own breath.

He takes a step forward, not taking his eyes off of Matteo. His heart is pounding so hard right now, because he knows that this is it, this is his moment. David reckons that he’d be holding his breath even without this little competition of theirs.

He takes another step forward and keeps the eye contact. He’s about to move forward, about to close the distance between them, when Matteo takes him slightly by surprise. He starts forward with a teasing grin, obviously in an attempt to scare David into releasing his breath. 

But David doesn't startle back. Instead he moves forward and presses his lips to Matteo’s.

If David had any coherent thoughts before, he definitely doesn't have any now. He’s too busy being completely entrenched in Matteo; in his warm, soft lips, in the way his breath stutters against David’s lips, in the way that he can hear Matteo’s heart pounding in between both of their jackets. It’s only a split second, and then David is pulling back and resting his forehead against Matteo’s in order to try and regain his composure. Matteo lets out his breath in a quick  _ whoosh. _

“I won,” David murmurs with a giggle as he pulls away, letting out a louder laugh as Matteo rolls his eyes fondly. 

“Rematch,” he replies hoarsely, his eyes trained forward on David. David’s breath stutters in his chest. 

“Okay,” he says, tilting his head teasingly in attempts to hide how nervous he is. 

Matteo takes in a breath, and David follows his lead, raising his eyebrows as if to say,  _ the ball is in your court now.  _

Matteo takes a step forward, and then another, right until he’s up close again. Any and all traces of his smile are now gone and have been replaced by something even better; his eyes are trailing unashamedly across David’s face, down to his lips and back up. If he’s nervous, he doesn't show it. David feels himself entranced in everything  _ Matteo, _ from his gorgeous eyes to his soft, kissable lips-

Suddenly, Matteo places his hand on the back of David’s neck and pulls him forward into another kiss. And David can’t help himself, he smiles against Matteo’s lips, leaning forward and kissing him back with everything that he’s got. And  _ oh boy, _ if this isn’t the most wonderfully overwhelming kiss that David has ever had. 

Matteo is a bit shy at first but kisses back, allowing David to lean forward and make space for himself right into Matteo. And David is in heaven, moving his lips softly against the other boy’s and breathing in the scent that he’d just gotten a  _ tease _ of last night; something slightly musky that makes David’s head spin. 

Matteo seems to almost snap awake, as if he’s suddenly realised that this is, in fact, not a dream. He steps forward slightly and takes David face in between his hands and kisses him passionately, as if there was nothing he’d rather be doing in the world right now  _ (as if David doesn't feel the exact same way.) _ He lets himself fall right into Matteo’s arms, because he feels confident that he’ll be caught, completely safe and sound. He feels dizzy with each press of Matteo’s lips against his, and so he pulls back ever so slightly to lean their foreheads together, just to breathe Matteo in for just a second-

A loud barking startles them apart. David whips around, only to find a not-so-nice looking dog attached to the leash of a security guard staring back at them. 

“Hey!” the guard shouts loudly, which prompts the dog to bark again. 

Matteo is hitting him lightly on the arm, already starting to flee, which prompts David to do the same. 

They run, climbing out of the pool with more strength than David thought possible and out the door, through the hallways, down the stairs.

Matteo is laughing behind him, gasping for air as they reach the broken window and stop to listen for a second. David can’t hear the dog anymore, but he doesn't want to stick around to wait until he does again. 

Matteo seems to have the same idea as him, but he pauses, placing a hand on David’s shoulder and pushing him lightly to rest against the wall. David goes without complaint, watching as Matteo crowds him against the wall and presses his nose against David’s until they’re kissing again.

David feels his heart melt down to his stomach as he kisses back, and then lets out a little whine as Matteo pulls back abruptly with a smile.

“Come back to mine?” Matteo asks softly, reaching up to run his thumb lightly across David’s bottom lip. David shivers.

“Of course,” David replies shakily, smiling back uncontrollably.

Matteo looks him over once more, biting his lip excitedly, before stepping back and climbing first out of the window. 

“C’mon, then,” he calls out over his shoulder, wiggling slightly as he struggles to get up onto the ledge. Fuck, he’s so cute.

David shakes his head incredulously, and he follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought!


	4. your freedom comes naturally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteo wants to pinch himself because he swears to God that he’s dreaming. Never in a million years would he have imagined David, the boy he’d just kissed, even wanting to spend time with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helllooooooooo  
> hope y'all are doing well. just as a warning, i have the next chapter already written and im working on the next one, but i'm coming up to midterms (ooooof) and ive just taken a second job so please bear with me these next couple weeks! 
> 
> to compensate enjoy an almost 7k update!
> 
> content warning for negative though patterns related to depression. 
> 
> chapter title comes from "Bliss" by Muse
> 
> enjoy!

They sneak into Matteo’s house with relative ease, staying as quiet as they can so that they don’t wake Matteo’s mom.

Matteo makes a mental note to check on her later tonight, but for now, his only one focus is the boy in his room, looking curiously around at the various trinkets and consoles strewn about haphazardly. 

Matteo wants to pinch himself because he swears to God that he’s dreaming. Never in a million years would he have imagined David, the boy he’d just  _ kissed, _ even wanting to spend time with him. But now, David’s in his room, and even better yet, had followed Matteo home willingly.

He looks at Matteo, his dark eyes alight and teasing, and Matteo melts. His hands are slightly restless by his sides, which seems to be what he does whenever he’s nervous. Matteo smiles softly at him and steps forward.

“So…” Matteo trails off, taking another step closer until they’re right in each other’s space and grabbing both of David’s hands in his own. “What do you want to do?”

David looks down at their fingers that Matteo intertwines together and he smiles. He looks back up at Matteo and bites his lip.

“Whatever you want,” he murmurs in reply, hesitantly leaning his forehead against Matteo’s. Matteo gladly follows his lead, closing his eyes and breathing in the boy in front of him; warm and  _ real. _

“We can smoke a bit?” Matteo offers, his voice no louder than a whisper.

“Sure, but uh…” David trails off, pulls back slightly, which makes Matteo open his eyes. “Won’t your parents mind?”

“Uh…” Matteo says, wracking his brain to try and find an answer that doesn't sound too pathetic. “It’s just me and my mom that live here, and she’s sleeping right now. I think if we blow the smoke out of the window it’ll be fine.”

“She won’t try to check in on you?” David asks curiously, rubbing his thumb softly against Matteo’s.

“Nah,” Matteo replies, shrugging in a manner that he hopes his nonchalant. “She’ll text if she needs anything. Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” David says, his voice soft and understanding. Matteo smiles at him again, giving his hands one last squeeze before pulling away to get to rolling them a joint. 

Matteo sits on the chair facing his bed, getting out his stash from its hiding place and setting the various paraphernalia on the small table in front of him.

“You can sit if you want,” Matteo murmurs, motioning to the bed when he notices David still standing a little awkwardly. “This won’t take long.”

David answers by sitting on the edge of Matteo’s bed, facing him to watch as Matteo begins to place the weed into his grinder. Around anyone else, Matteo would feel a little self-conscious being watched so carefully. Around David, however, it’s exactly what he wants.

He loves getting David’s attention, loves having his eyes on him whenever he does something stupid so that David will get that fond, teasing look in his eyes. It makes Matteo feel warm inside, makes him want to kiss the knowing smirk right off of David’s face, makes him want to fall into his warmth. 

Matteo shakes his head slightly, focusing his concentration back onto the task at hand. He’s finished grinding the weed, so he takes the lid off his grinder and tips it onto his table. Then, he reaches into his pouch again for his filters, clumsily taking one out of the plastic bag and sticking it in the corner of his mouth for safekeeping. Then, he pulls out a fresh rolling paper, taking the filter out of his mouth and placing it in the paper. Just as he’s about to start filling the joint, David makes a non-committal noise from the bed, which breaks Matteo’s concentration.

“Just, uh,” David murmurs in response to Matteo’s questioning gaze. “I’ve never even seen someone do this before.”

David blushes slightly, training his gaze down on his lap. 

“Hey,” Matteo blurts out before he even has a chance to figure out what he’s going to say. “It’s fine, okay? I wasn’t expecting you to be some sort of expert or something like that.”

David looks back up, this time with a hesitant smile on his face. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asks, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the edge of his knees. Matteo leans in slightly too, not being able to resist being too far from David. 

“Yeah,” Matteo replies quietly, putting the unfinished joint down on the table for a second. 

“The first time I met you was the first time I’d ever smoked weed,” David admits, biting his lip hesitantly. 

Matteo stills for a second, before letting out a little chuckle.

“You didn’t give yourself away,” Matteo replies honestly, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “I think I coughed for about ten minutes the first time I ever tried it, so.”

David raises his own eyebrows in surprise and laughs.

“Well then,” he says, leaning back again and resting his hands behind him in order to prop himself up. “I’m glad I didn’t embarrass myself too much, then.”

“Nah,” Matteo replies, picking up the joint again and beginning to fill it. “If anything I’ve been embarrassing  _ myself. _ I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to talk to a stranger so much before I saw you.”

Now it’s Matteo’s turn to blush, which, given the heat he can feel radiating from his face, must be quite obvious. David chuckles. 

Matteo clears his throat, starting to shape the joint to the perfect size. Once he’s satisfied with the shape, he begins to tuck and roll the paper carefully. 

“If it’s any consolation,” David murmurs quietly, making Matteo look back up at him. He starts to lick the edge of the paper and close off the joint. “I wouldn’t have stayed if I didn’t want to talk to you just as bad.”

“Fair enough,” Matteo says, grinning as he holds up the finished joint triumphantly. “Now, move over.”

He stands up, sticking the joint in the corner of his mouth and jumps onto the bed before David has a chance to get too far. 

David giggles as Matteo lands half on top of him, his hands coming up to grab onto Matteo’s waist to steady the both of them. Matteo’s heart flutters as he looks down at David. He feels so safe and secure, here held in David’s arms. 

“You gonna light that?” David asks with a smirk, his gaze training up and down Matteo’s face. 

Matteo reaches up with his free hand to take the joint out and leans down, placing a kiss on his lips before he can lose his nerve.

David responds almost instantly, humming into the kiss quietly. Matteo breathes in his scent, reaching with his other hand to steady just underneath David’s chin. It’s soft, the kiss, their breaths on each other’s faces, and it makes Matteo’s insides turn to goo. It almost scares him, how into David he is, almost. But Matteo can’t possibly feel afraid right now, not when kissing David sends him into complete bliss; it makes his head go completely silent in the best way possible, makes his heart pound so hard out of his chest with the amount of endorphins floating through his body. 

After a second, Matteo pulls away, watching in awe as David’s long lashes flutter open slowly. His eyes are focussed solely on Matteo, so adoring that it almost makes him dizzy.

“Okay,” Matteo murmurs, training his gaze back down to David’s lips. He shakes his head. “Okay.”

He reaches over to his messy bedside table and locates a lighter with relative ease. He grasps it, collapsing down on his back so that they’re lying side by side. David turns his head to look at him and he smiles softly. Matteo smiles back, before placing the joint back in his mouth.

“Let’s move to the windowsill?” David asks, nodding over to the window in question. 

Matteo answers by heaving himself up the bed and almost skipping over to the windowsill, plopping down on one of the cushions that laid atop it. David chuckles at his enthusiasm, using his hands to help himself into a sitting position before standing up and walking over to join Matteo. They sit across from each other, their legs in various slightly awkward positions, but they make it work. Matteo unlatches and opens his window, letting out a sigh as the fresh air starts to fill his nose. He hadn’t realised how stuffy his room was. 

He lights the joint and breathes in the smoke with practised ease, holding it down in his lungs and exhaling just as it starts to burn. The smoke billows out the window and into the cold air. Matteo watches it float for a second before turning back to David with a smile.

He takes in another drag and then hands the joint to David. David takes it between his fingers carefully and places it in his mouth, taking in a slow drag before blowing it out the window. 

They pass the joint back and forth in comfortable silence with shy smiles and small brushes of fingers. Matteo wants to stay like this forever, or at least he wants to bottle this moment, only to bring it out every time he feels like shit. It’s comforting, the looks that David gives him, the ease with which they operate, quiet and soft. It’s comforting to know that things can be like this, that they can rise above the constant feelings of numbness right in the center of Matteo’s chest.

  
  


“What’s your favourite film?” David asks him suddenly, long after they’ve finished the joint. They’ve moved to the bed now, pleasantly buzzed and limbs heavy. 

“I don’t know,” Matteo murmurs, looking to his side to meet David’s eyes, dark and beautiful as ever but definitely slightly red-rimmed. “I’m chill with most things as long as they don’t have a shitty love triangle. What about you?”

“Fair,” David snorts, turning his head to gaze up at the ceiling, seemingly deep in thought. “And I don’t know if I have an all-time favourite, but at the moment I think it’s Only Lovers Left Alive.”

Matteo frowns, wracking his stoned brain to try and remember if he recognizes it, to no avail.

“Never heard of it,” he admits sheepishly, trailing his eyes down the planes of David’s jawline. 

“It’s about vampires,” David says, turning his head suddenly to look back at Matteo. “It’s good. Lots of symbolism and shit.”

_ “Symbolism and shit,” _ Matteo repeats with a snort, which earns him an eye roll. 

“Shush,” is David’s intelligent reply. “I’m too lazy for film analysis right now.”

Matteo chuckles. There’s a beat of silence. 

“You like analysing films?” 

“Yeah,” David replies with a small smile. “I actually want to make films when I’m older, so I guess it helps to get some inspiration.”

“Really?” Matteo wonders, unable to hide how impressed he is. “Nice.”

David looks him up and down, his lashes fluttering. He snorts, and then leans in and presses a quick kiss to Matteo’s lips.

“You’re cute,” he murmurs as he pulls back, his voice deep and slightly raspy. Matteo shivers.

_ “You’re cute,” _ Matteo fires back once he regains his composure.

David sits up suddenly, his eyes ablaze with determination.

“You want cute?” David challenges, his eyebrows raised teasingly. “I’ll show you cute.”

Before Matteo can react, there are arms winding around his waist, pinning him down to the bed.

“Hey!” Matteo shouts in protest, his own hands coming up to wrap around David’s shoulders in attempts to pry him off. David doesn't budge, and so Matteo continues to pull, squirming around to try and throw him off. 

David is giggling, his voice breaking slightly as Matteo manages to worm his way out from underneath him. Matteo can’t help but let out a laugh of his own as he goes to knock David down. David laughs even louder.

_ “No,” _ David whines out, his hands reaching around and pushing at Matteo’s shoulders in an attempt to gain the upper hand. 

“Are you ticklish?” Matteo asks with a grin, pausing as he sits up, holding both of David’s squirming wrists in his hands. 

“No…” David replies, in a way that lets Matteo know that he’s lying. He seems to go limp, glaring at Matteo.

“Oh really?” Matteo teases, wiggling his fingers teasingly, mimicking a tickling motion. 

“Yup,” David says, and then with a grunt and a surprising amount of strength, he manages to flip Matteo onto his back. 

Matteo lands on the mattress with a quiet,  _ “oof,”  _ and David’s hands quickly slide into his, interlacing their fingers and pinning Matteo to the bed.

Matteo’s breath stutters as he looks at the boy now sat atop his thighs, pinning him down to the bed even further. His hair is mussed, cheeks red, and his eyes are shining with delight. He’s  _ gorgeous. _

_ “Hah,” _ David gloats, his smile wide and bright. “I won.”

“Hey,” Matteo protests, squirming weakly under David’s grip. “You won  _ this _ time.”

The eye roll that Matteo receives after that makes his stomach do summersaults.

  
  


“Do you believe in fate?” 

Matteo has no idea how much time has passed, just hanging out here with David. The high had long faded by now, which seemed to pass by in a blur for Matteo. 

The funny thing was, time seemed to go both fast and just right at the same time. All the time that they had spent together so far had been amazing, had completely thrown Matteo into the fast lane and let the adrenaline crash uncontrollably through his body. At the same time, everything with David felt just right; the way he held Matteo close against his chest, the way he ran his fingers lightly through Matteo’s hair. When he kissed Matteo, it was as if everything seemed to stop, and Matteo could finally  _ breathe. _

Was that fate? Matteo didn’t know. His mother believes in fate, and it didn’t seem to do her any favours. 

No, it wasn’t fate. It was pheromones and hormones and other organic matter that made up human connection at its most intimate. Knowing this didn’t change the way that Matteo felt about David.

“I don’t know,” is what Matteo says instead, because it seems his habit of never truly expressing his feelings has also translated its way to a potential romantic partner. “Why?”

“I don’t know, either,” David admits, shrugging sheepishly as he looks up at Matteo. Every so often, his long lashes brush against the tops of his cheeks as he blinks slowly. “I just wonder why people think it’s so bad to be the director of your own life, to not let some invisible outside force control how your life will turn out. I don’t know.”

David shrugs again, looking down at his fingers, which are fiddling with each other. 

“I mean,” Matteo reasons, not entirely sure how far he’s willing to take this point. “Not everything in our lives is our decision, though. So even though it may not be some outside force, it’s something that’s out of our control.”

“Like what?” David wonders, looking back up at Matteo. He turns his head more into the pillow so that they’re facing each other a bit better. 

“Like, you can’t control your sexuality,” Matteo whispers sheepishly, almost wanting to slap himself for admitting that. He just can’t help it anymore. And obviously David understands.

“No, you can’t,” David agrees after a moment's hesitation. “But you still decide the outcome of your life, even though there are things that are out of your control.”

“Well, what would you do in a natural disaster?” Matteo wonders. “You aren’t really free to make your own decisions if the situation is out of your control.”

“I run away,” David answers simply, shrugging his shoulders. “Hide. That’s a choice.”

“And you wouldn’t choose to take anyone with you?” 

“Don’t know,” David murmurs. In the corner of his eye, Matteo see his fingers fiddling together. “Why?”

“To not be alone,” Matteo replies, the words coming to him automatically.

“Is being alone so bad?” David asks curiously.

“Yeah.”

Matteo looks back up at the ceiling and closes his eyes for a moment.

“You know how I told you that my dad is from Italy?” Matteo blurts out before he can help himself. He feels a little raw and exposed, but it also feels good to not have to hold anything back for once. 

“I do.”

“Yeah, well,” Matteo continues with a huff, keeping his gaze carefully on one specific speck on the ceiling. “He moved back there last year. He decided that he didn’t want to be with my mom anymore so he just packed his stuff and left.”

When David doesn't say anything, Matteo turns to look at him. David nods encouragingly at Matteo, as if to say,  _ you have all the time in the world to tell me.  _

“Uh, things with my mom…” Matteo trails off slightly, faltering as he thinks about his mom, most likely asleep in her pitch black room. “Well, things with her aren’t so easy, you know…”

“Mhm,” David hums, reaching out to take Matteo’s hand gently. He strokes the back of Matteo’s hand gently, and Matteo allows himself to let out a breath.

Before anyone can say anything else, Matteo’s phone vibrates once, and then twice. They both startle a little bit, and Matteo takes his phone out of his sweater pocket. 

From: Sara

_ Hey! I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime this weekend? _

_ :) _

“Wait a second,” David says suddenly as they both look at Matteo’s phone.  _ “You _ know Sara?”

“Uh…” Matteo hesitates, looking at David suspiciously. “Yeah, I’ve known her since primary. Her best friend Leonie dated my friend Jonas, so.”

“Jonas...” David trails off, his brows furrowing suddenly. “I think I know him, curly haired guy, right? I lent him my math homework a couple times last week.”

“Oh, yeah that sounds like him,” Matteo snorts before he can stop himself. He loves his best friend, but that dude is really slacking in math right now. 

“Anyways, uh…” David trails off, suddenly deep in thought. “She seems to like you, huh?”

Matteo drops his phone to his chest and turns towards David, who has an unreadable expression on his face.

“I don’t know?” Matteo guesses, almost feeling like he’s taking a test, but failing it. “But I mean, I’m not into her like that, in case you couldn’t tell.”

“Oh no, I know,” David replies with a smirk, letting out a chuckle. “But she likes you like that.”

Matteo startles at the certainty in his voice. He stares blankly at David.

“We hang out in gym sometimes,” David says, shrugging nonchalantly. “And she was talking about this guy in our grade that she liked who kept ghosting her. Leonie told her that she should just ask you out, and obviously, she took that advice.”

“Ah,” Matteo responds, letting out his own chuckle. “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, actually. What should I do?”

“Don’t ghost her,” is David’s reply, quick and sure. “Don’t lead her on, just give her your answer and make it clear that you only see her as a friend.”

“Give her my answer?” Matteo repeats, nudging David teasingly. “As if I’d say yes. I think I’m a little busy this weekend.”

“Is that so?” David asks, rolling over to face Matteo properly. He looks Matteo up and down, his lashes fluttering against the tops of his cheeks. 

“Yup,” Matteo replies, turning over to face David as well. “I’m hanging out with this guy this weekend, I don’t know if you know him. He has dark hair, is a little mysterious, and can’t hold his breath very well.”

“Oi!” David protests, reaching up to flick Matteo’s head. Matteo flinches away, unable to stop the giggle from escaping his lips. “I’ll have you know that I beat you, so you’re the one who can’t hold his breath.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo appeases, rolling his eyes. “Anyways. I’m hanging out with him instead. That is, if he wants to stay?”

David stills, and slowly, he starts to smile. Matteo doesn't think he’s ever seen anything more beautiful. 

“I think he would love to stay,” David replies, leaning back in again so that they’re almost touching noses. Matteo can feel David’s breath, warm and steady.

“I won!” Matteo exclaims with a cheeky grin, because he’s unable to help himself. He loves being playful with David, loves poking and prodding him, loves feeling like a kid again. It takes him back to when he could be free, be himself, without having to worry about annoying others around him. 

“Yes,” David concedes with a sigh, trying to look exasperated but seemingly unable to hide his smile. “You won.”

David is sleeping. 

His chest is rising with deep breaths, slow and steady, and his face is blissfully relaxed. Matteo has been looking at him in awe for the past couple of minutes, unable to take his eyes away.

The dim lighting in the room compliments him perfectly, makes his skin glow an even more gorgeous golden. Matteo takes in everything; the angularity of his jaw, the ridge of his brows, the unmistakable adam’s apple. He wants to reach out and brush his fingers across David’s face, feel his skin soft and warm and alive. He wants to feel the stubble on his jawline and the emerging mustache on his upper lip. He’d gotten a little bit of it every time they kissed, slowly scratching and undeniable against Matteo’s own face. 

There’s no denying it. David is a boy. He’s a boy and Matteo is so completely into everything that makes him a boy that it leaves him breathless. Matteo can’t imagine being into someone else, let alone actually pretend to be into girls again. He can’t, not since he’d gotten a taste of what it actually felt like; to like and to be liked by someone, to want to spend time with them just simply existing, to want to fall into everything they have to offer.

It’s not just physical attraction that he has for David, it’s everything about him. Matteo likes the way that David holds himself, quiet and unassuming. He loves that, underneath all these layers, David is silly and smart and definitely a little bit stubborn. This is the sort of feeling that Matteo will never have for a girl.

He’s gay.

He’s gay and he’s so ridiculously into this boy. And for once in his life, Matteo actually feels okay with it. 

Matteo smiles and turns properly on his side, reaching out and placing a soft hand on the side of David’s face; just the way that he’d wanted to do with Jonas for the few years he had a crush on him. As expected, David’s skin is soft, but undeniably masculine. It’s everything that Matteo could have dreamed for and more, because this isn’t a dream. David is real, and he’s lying right beside him.

David murmurs something incoherent in his sleep and turns his head so that it’s closer to Matteo. Matteo takes the opportunity to run his fingers through David’s sleep-messy hair, twisting the curls gently. 

“David,” Matteo whispers suddenly, the words coming out of his mouth before he can control them. He moves his hand down to shake David’s shoulder lightly.

David starts, his breath halting and then relaxing as he wakes up. He reaches up to run a hand across his face, and he lets out a big yawn.

“Did I fall asleep?” he murmurs, his voice heavy with sleep (Matteo tries his best to ignore the pang that goes through his stomach, because,  _ shit, _ boys’ morning voices have always been his weakness.)

“Yeah, sorry for waking you,” Matteo replies just as quietly, doing his best not to ruin the ambiance in the room. “I just wanted to tell you something.”

“Yeah?” David asks, moving his hand from his face so that he can look at Matteo. 

Matteo takes in a deep breath to steel himself and looks right into David’s eyes.

“I’m gay,” he says, much more stable than he would have expected. “And you’re the first person I’ve ever told.”

David looks him up and down, and then slowly, he smiles. He leans in and presses a kiss to Matteo’s lips, soft, sleepy, slow. 

Matteo’s heart almost bursts out of his chest as he kisses back, reaching up to wrap his arm around David’s neck. He pulls him in close, inhales his scent, warm and musky, undeniably that of a teenage boy. 

David smiles into the kiss, indulging Matteo with a couple more slow pecks, before pulling back just a little bit. 

“I’m so proud of you,” David whispers, leaning his forehead against Matteo’s. Matteo breathes for a second, allowing the words to wash over him, to allow their warmth to fill his veins. He doesn't even care that he’s not out to anyone else in his life, and that his family might not even approve. He’s admitted it to David, to the one other person who truly matters, but most importantly, he’s also admitted it to  _ himself. _

“I’m proud of myself,” Matteo responds after a beat, opening his eyes back up to meet David’s gorgeous smile. 

“You should be.”

  
  


“Just so you know,” David says hours later as they’re pleasantly buzzed and sleepy from a second joint. “I’m pansexual. And I don’t think I’ve ever told that to anyone before either. My sister knows that I like guys, but I’ve never put a label on it.”

“Pansexual means that you don’t care about gender, right?” Matteo asks quietly, almost berating himself for not really knowing all that much about these things. 

“Basically,” David responds patiently, without a single ounce of judgment in his tone, which leads Matteo to believe that he hadn’t fucked up. “It’s not that I don’t care about gender, it’s that someone’s gender doesn't change how I feel about them.”

“So you’re into girls too?” 

“Sure, I’ve had crushes on girls before,” David says, reaching up to run his fingers gently through Matteo’s hair. Matteo hums, pleased, and leans into the touch. “But right now I’m really only into you.”

Matteo keens, nuzzling even further into the touch. David chuckles in response. 

“Have you ever had a crush on another guy before me?” Matteo wonders after a beat. He turns his body to lean more into the touch, effectively nuzzling into the crook of David’s neck. 

“Oh yeah,” David responds, laughing slightly. “I definitely have. I just, uh… never really felt I was in a place that I could express that part of myself.”

“I feel that,” Matteo says with a sigh. “But are you now?”

“What?”

“In a place where you can express yourself.”

David sighs, his chest rising and falling heavily. His hand remains in Matteo’s hair but his fingers have stilled.

“I don’t know,” he replies carefully. Matteo turns his head to look up at David, but he’s looking up at the ceiling, eyes glazed and definitely lost in thought. “I think I want to, but I don’t know. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but people can be assholes.”

“People can be assholes,” Matteo repeats in agreement, reaching up to trace his thumb on David’s cheek. He looks back down at Matteo and smiles slightly, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. 

They don’t say much after that, feeling much too comfortable and much too tired to continue much of a conversation. Matteo falls asleep with his nose squished against David’s warm neck.

  
  


When Matteo wakes up again, he’s cold. 

He opens his eyes slowly, stretching his arms as far as they allow with a pleased hum. This is the most well-rested he’s felt in a very, very long time. 

When his arms start to come down to his sides, he realises something: David is not in his bed anymore. 

Matteo’s eyes fly open quickly, and he takes a look around him.

His room is even more of a mess, various pizza boxes and snacks from the weekend strewn around him. On the pillow that David had slept on, there is a folded piece of paper.

Matteo unfolds it as quickly as he can without ripping it.

It’s a drawing. It’s David, or rather, it’s a cartoon version of David, complete with vampire fangs and a joint in his hand. Written in a speech bubble are the words,  _ ‘What I would take with me. (and maybe you, too.)’ _

Matteo smiles, holding the drawing to his chest. 

He feels energized, feels his body almost moving without any conscious thought. A quick look at his phone tells him that it’s only 9:30, but there’s no way Matteo can fall back asleep now. 

Instead, he gets up and walks down to the kitchen to feed his growling stomach. 

Surprisingly, his mother is sitting at the table. 

She looks tired, and her hair is a rat’s nest, but she smiles when Matteo comes in. 

“Hi, mamma,” Matteo greets, approaching her hesitantly. 

“Morning,” she replies, her voice hoarse but still pleasant. She seems to be in a slightly better mood.

“Do you want breakfast?” Matteo asks, already reaching down into the cupboard to grab a pot.

“As long as it’s not pasta again,” his mother jokes. Matteo freezes. He doesn't need to look at her to know that she’s smiling. 

He stands up and sniffles, trying his best to remain nonchalant. He smiles back at her. 

“Hey,” he protests lightly, reaching out and poking her arm teasingly. “My pasta is pretty good.”

“I know,” she replies, reaching out to poke him back. “But it’s breakfast time. Let’s make pancakes.”

  
  


They don’t talk a lot when they cook, but Matteo doesn't care. His mom is still tired, and still needs to sit down to rest every so often, but that’s fine. 

Every Sunday they used to make pancakes as a family. His mother would make the batter and sing along to the radio, bringing Matteo in to dance with her every so often. His dad would flip the pancakes, because his mother tended to burn them. And of course, Matteo was too little to be around the stove, so he watched.

Matteo’s the one to flip the pancakes now, but he honestly doesn't mind, not when the pancakes taste even better than he remembers.

He gets ready for school on Monday not having heard anything from David. 

He’s putting his jacket on and then swinging his backpack over one shoulder. It’s too late for him to eat breakfast before school, so he leaves the house pretty much right afterwards, shoving his phone in his pocket anxiously.

He starts his fairly short walk to school, before realising that he’ll be late if he doesn't hurry up. 

Matteo sighs to himself, already starting to pray to any Deities that would listen that the ticket conductor wouldn’t be in the bus this morning, otherwise Matteo’s fucked,  _ again. _

It’s not that he can’t afford a bus ticket, and even if he couldn’t, he’d still get enough guilt money from his dad to cover it. He’s just simply been much too lazy in the mornings, almost dead to the world on the bus that he completely forgets. Hence the reason that he’d been caught the other week by the ticket conductor and got dinged for not having a ticket.

And now? Matteo’s definitely a little bit more awake than he normally is on a Monday morning, and only partly for a good reason. He was still wrapping his head around how  _ good  _ this weekend had been. 

Having David there made him feel alive again, made him actually feel like his life actually seemed to have some sort of good outcome. Yes, his mother is still depressed, but now at least he has something to look forward to, someone to breathe with until everything feels a little bit better again.

Even if he was getting a little bit anxious that David hadn’t contacted him since. 

Matteo doesn't really know the etiquette in these types of situations, but he reckons that he’s supposed to wait until David reaches out again, seeing as he sort of left without a proper explanation. After the two nights they spent together cuddling and making out in between smoking joints. After he’d gotten to know David so much better, gotten to know what he thinks about the world but never shares with anyone else. He didn’t want to toot his own horn, but he figures that David wouldn’t share about what he’d do in the apocalypse (in several different scenarios, mind you) to just about anyone. 

And David hasn’t said a peep since. 

Matteo doesn't want to think that it’s something that he might’ve done, especially since he suspects that he might be a little clingy around the people he likes, if his crush he’d had on Jonas is anything to go by. Matteo remembers the way he’d always want to be around Jonas, even when he knew that Leonie, and eventually Hanna, were waiting for him. He remembers feeling like he was drowning every single time he had to look away quickly after being caught staring at Jonas for too long, or the way he longed to reach out and run his fingers through Jonas’ hair every time they slept over at each other’s houses in the dead of the night when his best friend was asleep. He remembers being so drunk and frustrated and  _ sad _ that he’d been when he leaked to the school gossip blog that Hanna had confessed to cheating on Jonas during a fight by accident (even though he’d told her he wouldn’t tell a soul.) He remembers the way that Hanna had been more disappointed than angry when she found out, just another blow to his stomach a week after his Dad moved back. 

He remembers it all. He remembers that his jealousy lost him a friend, hurt his best friend, and left him alone.

He doesn't want that again. He  _ can’t _ do all that again.

When he arrives at school with no busts from the ticket conductor, the bell is ringing for his first class of the day.

He speedwalks to class almost as fast as his legs will allow him. And secretly,  _ secretly,  _ he’s hoping to catch David on the way. First, to make sure he’s alright with everything that happened, and second, to make sure it isn’t his fault. 

He doesn't see David on the way to class.

He does, however, finally see David during a desperate “bathroom” break to escape the lecture he’d been spacing out in. He’s closing the door behind him casually, but he freezes when he sees Matteo.

“Hey,” he says casually, or rather, what appears to be an attempt at casual. His eyes meet Matteo’s sporadically but never seem to focus solely on him. 

“Hi,” Matteo replies, a little breathless even though he hadn’t been running. His stomach twists a little bit, sends a pang of longing through his entire body. He wants to just usher David somewhere private quickly and hug him, maybe kiss him a little. He wants to feel exactly the way he felt on the weekend spent wrapped in David’s arms, even if it’s just for a couple minutes. 

“Um, can we talk for a second?” Matteo continues nervously, unable to stop himself from blurting the words out. “Not here, though, somewhere alone?”

“Uh-” David stutters with a small smile, looking a little nervous, but at least no longer shifty. “Yeah. Where?”

Matteo looks around himself, before spotting the door to the boys washroom. That was a little gross, even more so if any of the stalls were occupied. 

He looks to his other side, spotting a janitor's closet door, noticing the dark room that’s propped open by a bucket of cleaning supplies, and shrugging. That would do, they’d just need to hurry before the janitor came back.

“Here,” he replies, nodding his head in the direction of the closet door.

David raises his eyebrows and lets out a snort, but he nods anyways and follows Matteo.

He finds the light fairly quickly closing the door behind them, making sure to nudge the bucket out of the doorway with his foot. David looks gorgeous, even standing under the ugly fluorescent lighting of the janitor’s closet.

“Hi,” Matteo murmurs, a small smile spreading across his face. David smiles back, his eyes lighting up as he does so. 

“Hi,” David replies quietly, and Matteo gives in.

He steps forward quickly and slumps into David’s arms, leaning down to nuzzle his nose into David’s neck. If David is surprised, he doesn't show it. Instead, he lets out a laugh and wraps his arms around Matteo’s shoulders, leaning in to support Matteo’s weight slightly. 

“How are you?” Matteo whispers quietly, the sound muffled slightly by the fabric of David’s sweatshirt. 

David lets out a long sigh, burrowing his nose into Matteo’s hair slightly. “I’m okay,” he responds, his voice definitely a little tired but otherwise completely genuine.

Matteo breathes a sigh of relief. David doesn't seem mad at him. 

He pulls back to press a quick kiss to David’s lips, welcoming back the familiar fluttering of butterflies in his stomach. David sighs, pressing his lips to Matteo’s again gently and for slightly longer, before pulling back. 

“How are you?” David asks back, pulling one of his arms back to drag his thumb gently across Matteo’s face.

“I’m okay,” Matteo replies with a small smile, leaning in to the soft touch gratefully.

_ Oh man,  _ he’s so whipped.

“I, uh…” David trails off a little nervously, shifting his gaze slightly. “I missed you.”

He flushes, a pink tinge colouring his cheeks every so slightly, and Matteo can’t help the happy hum that comes out of his mouth.

“I missed you, too,” Matteo murmurs back, his own cheeks most definitely a little red as well.

David leans in and kisses him again, and Matteo is so breathless that he’s almost dizzy. He wants to stay like this forever, wrapped up in David’s arms and safe from the world, from anything that could possibly go wrong. 

Except of course, if the janitor were to walk in at this exact moment. That’s right, they don’t have a lot of time left.

“Um,” Matteo continues, feeling a little sheepish. “Do you wanna hang out sometime soon again?”

David takes a second to think, looking down at the ground before meeting Matteo’s eyes again. “I do,” he replies evenly, giving Matteo a small smile. “I’m busy tonight, I have a movie night I promised my sister, but I’ll text you once I’m done if you’re up for another midnight adventure?”

“Hell yeah,” Matteo breathes, unable to stop himself from grinning widely. Nothing sounds better to him than escaping with David.

“Okay,” David says, grinning back. “I’ll talk to you later, then.”

He leans in and kisses Matteo gently once, then twice. When he pulls away, Matteo chases his lips a little bit.

“Talk to you later,” Matteo repeats dumbly, and then David’s brushing past him with one last brush of the fingers, sneaking out of the closet quietly.

Matteo takes a second to breathe, unable to stop the smile on his face. 

He’s so gay, _ holy shit. _

He doesn't feel his phone buzz at all that night, not even a notification from the group chat he has with Jonas, Carlos, and Abdi. It’s been a little dead recently anyways, considering Carlos is busy pursuing Kiki and Jonas doesn't seem to be as active anymore. 

But still, there’s nothing. That is, until almost midnight. 

From: David

_ Hey, I think things went a little too fast. I need time. Please don’t be mad. _

Matteo spends the rest of the night staring at the ceiling. He thinks he does, at least, but he doesn't really remember much. He just remembers a sinking feeling in his stomach, rolling a joint with shaky hands and smoking it in his bed without even bothering to open the window. He doesn't care if his mom smells it. He doesn't even think it’ll wake her up at all. 

It’s morning now, Matteo can see the sun starting to rise. He doesn't get out of his bed.

Maybe his mom was right to stay in her bed all the time. A blanket wasn’t as warm as a hug from David, but it could protect him much better than anything else could from the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh....  
> sorry.


	5. i try to be happy but then i forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being with Matteo had that effect on him; it made him forget everything else around him, made him forget about all his problems, made him want to smile and laugh and play and everything else that was cut short in his life. It’s amazing, but at some point, David knew that he’d have to come down from cloud nine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello peeps!
> 
> so im already working on the next chapter, im hoping that i can get it done in time to post next week! i'm halfway through midterms, so lets hope i can find enough time!
> 
> chapter title comes from "Soda" by Nothing But Thieves
> 
> Content warning: dysphoria (LIKE SERIOUSLY), internalised transphobia (LIKE A LOT PLEASE BE CAREFUL), and implied suicidality. again i will iterate that 1) i am a trans man, 2) these are just my personal experiences, and 3) these do not reflect how i feel about other trans people. i will say this again: internalised transphobia is a reflection of society's negative messaging about trans people, it is not rational and never ever made me think negatively of other trans people, its only a reflection inwards.
> 
> alright enough said, please heed the warnings thank youuuuu

David knows the second he left Matteo in that closet that he’s fucked.

He knows that Matteo deserves better than this. He deserves someone who can face up to him, who can look him right in the eyes and tell him what’s going on. He deserves someone who hasn’t spent their entire life pretending to be someone else.

But he knows that he’s already spent much too long lying by omission. His ribs are still sore, still a painful reminder that, after getting home yesterday morning, David spent the rest of the day curled up from the pain in his ribs. He knows that he should’ve taken his binder off at Matteo’s, perhaps taken some breaks in the bathroom while he could, but it honestly sort of slipped his mind for the most part.

Being with Matteo had that effect on him; it made him forget everything else around him, made him forget about all his problems, made him want to smile and laugh and play and everything else that was cut short in his life. It’s amazing, but at some point, David knew that he’d have to come down from cloud nine. 

And oh boy, is he coming down hard by the end of the day. He’s sat on the bus on his way home, in the corner seat so that he can maybe try to disappear into the butt-ugly blue patterned seats. He’s hugging his sore midsection carefully as if it were breakable china. David supposes that his ribs aren’t precious china, but they certainly are breakable. 

He’s blasting something through his headphones, no doubt something melancholy that used to give him comfort when he was younger but now only serves to make him feel sadder than he ought to. He doesn't really hear it anyways, not really. He can feel the vibrations of the beat, and the croning of the lead singer, but that’s about it. Everything else is static in his mind.

David wishes that he were someone else. He wishes that he wasn’t born in this fucking awful body that he has to wake up in every morning; the same one that he tortures every single day by injecting it with synthetic hormones and crushing its ribs. He wishes that he didn’t always have to tug and adjust his clothing for fear that his hips would stick out too much, or so that other people can’t see the much too narrow curve of his waistline. He wishes that he didn’t have to worry about how he sat, as if him crossing his legs in public would out him to everyone around him, as if it were a dead giveaway that he doesn't have a fucking dick and balls. 

He knows it’s irrational. He knows that it’s delusional, and that he brings this all on himself. He knows that he has no one else to blame for leaving the best thing that’s happened in a long fucking time all because he’s too much of a coward to tell the truth. He has no one to blame for the fact that he’s about to break Matteo’s heart. And the worst part is that he chose to be this way. 

By the time his stop arrives, David walks off numbly, trudging his feet slowly up the old staircase. 

When he enters the flat, he listens for any signs of life, perhaps out of naive hope that Laura will be out. He peers down the hall, stepping forward so that he can see into the living room. Low and behold, his sister is sitting down on the couch, tapping away on her phone. 

She looks up when she sees David, giving him a small smile. 

“Good day at school?” she asks carefully, as if both of them don’t know that David was terrified to go to school this morning. Laura had forced him to go, forced him to confront Matteo.

 _“Last time you told me you didn’t want to go to school I was scared for your safety,”_ she’d said softly, rubbing his arm comfortingly. _“But now, you’re nervous about seeing your crush. Who, by the sounds of it, seems like a really sweet boy. You’ll be okay, you’re strong.”_

She was right, which is why David took her advice. He’s glad he did, because it meant he got to see Matteo one last time. It is, however, much too bittersweet.

David shrugs, unable to even find coherent words to say. 

“What’s up?” Laura asks, pressing the lock button on her phone and placing it down on the couch beside her. 

“I, uh…” David trails off, cursing himself silently as he feels his eyes sting with tears. “I don’t really know what to do.”

“With Matteo?”

“Yeah,” David whispers, training his gaze down to his shoes to avoid the almost pitying look in her eyes. 

“C’mere,” Laura instructs softly, patting the empty space beside her. David drops his backpack on the ground, barely registering the noise that it makes, and practically collapses next to Laura. 

He leans his head on her shoulder and sighs.

“Talk to me,” Laura says, reaching around to wrap her arm around the back of the couch. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

“I’m lying to him,” David murmurs, or rather, blurts out, completely unable to help himself. “He’s so _good,_ and I’m probably about to break his heart.”

“You haven’t told him yet?” Laura asks hesitantly, placing her hand comfortingly on David’s shoulder.

“I’ve been trying to find a way,” David replies helplessly, closing his eyes to try and stop them from watering too much. “But the words just get stuck in my throat every time.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call that lying,” Laura murmurs soothingly. “You’re trying to tell him.”

“Yeah, but I’m not being honest either,” David shoots back, letting out a sigh. “And he doesn't deserve that, especially when it’s my fault.”

“What’s your fault?”

“It’s my fault that I chose to be this way,” he responds, feeling a pang of shame run through his stomach. He’s all _wrong._ “He’s gay, he doesn't want someone like me.”

Laura stiffens, unwrapping her arm from around David’s shoulder. She nudges him until he looks up at her. He sees the exact same look in her eyes as the day he’d moved in with her; the anger, the protectiveness, ablaze and so fierce that it made David _finally_ feel like he was safe.

“The only thing that you chose was to be happy,” Laura says, her voice unwavering and sure. “You chose to live your life the only way that you can. Never be ashamed of that, okay?”

“How can’t I be?” David whispers, cursing himself as he feels a tear start to trail down his cheek. 

“The day that mom and dad told me you were in the hospital was the worst day of my life,” Laura replies, her voice nothing more than a whisper. “I couldn’t believe that they’d ignored what was going on for so long that you felt the only way out was…” 

Laura swallows, unable to continue her sentence. David feels the guilt start to bubble back at the bottom of his stomach, boiling over until it’s up in his esophagus. He can’t even look at her. 

“Hey,” Laura says, placing her hand underneath his chin to nudge his head back up. “Never feel ashamed of that, okay? It wasn’t your fault. It’s everyone else’s fault, okay? It’s the kids at your old school’s fault for treating you so horribly, it’s mom and dad’s fault for not listening to you, for not _believing_ you. But you know what?”

“What?” David chokes out, wiping another tear from his cheek. 

“They don’t get to see what I see,” she continues, sniffling. “They don’t get to see their own son grow more into himself, to see how much more comfortable and happy he is in himself. _I_ get to see it, and it makes everything that happened so worth it. Because I get the satisfaction of knowing that they were _wrong.”_

David smiles slightly, his vision too blurry with tears to be able to see Laura’s face too well, but he knows that she’s smiling as well.

“And as for Matteo,” Laura continues, reaching up to wipe a tear from her own face. “I don’t know how he’ll react, but I know that if he isn’t okay with it, that’s on him, not on you, okay?”

“Okay,” David murmurs, sniffling once again, a little embarrassed at the tears on his cheeks.

He slumps forward again onto Laura’s shoulder, way too exhausted.

“You don’t have to tell him right away,” she says softly, reaching back around his shoulder again to rub it comfortingly. “There is a lot to tell him, and none of that is easy. If you need some time, just tell him that.”

David’s way too exhausted to even begin to tell him tonight. He doesn't even know if he has the energy to meet up with Matteo later tonight, no matter how much he’d love to go and forget about his problems again. 

But that’s the thing; the longer David sees Matteo without telling him, the worse it will get. 

“Yeah,” David replies, wiping the last remnants of tears from his cheeks. “I think I’ll do that.”

“Okay,” Laura says, clearing her throat slightly. “You still up for a movie marathon tonight?”

In David’s opinion, nothing seems better than that. 

David smiles as best as he can, looking up at his sister. “Hell yeah,” he replies.

They spend the rest of the night watching movies, and it’s the most relaxed that David’s been all week. Because as much as he loves spending time with Matteo, he hadn’t realised how _careful_ he’s had to be around him. He had to watch everything that he’d said last weekend, telling as much detail about himself as possible without giving anything away. 

His life was different than Matteo’s. He wasn’t raised as a boy, and he was definitely socialised differently. He wasn’t allowed to play and fool around like all the other boys once he reached a certain age. Girls weren’t allowed to be as free, to be silly and hyperactive and careless. He had to be mature, had to be quiet and do his work like a good girl, help his mother in the kitchen while his dad got to lounge around doing nothing. 

As much as Matteo could try, he would never fully understand that. He would never understand what it was like to be hit on at age thirteen by men three times his age on the bus. He would never understand feeling so fucking uncomfortable every time he entered the changing room, trying on dresses and other girly clothes picked out by his mother and wishing that he could simply dissappear. He’d never understand the way girls used to tease him for everything that made him different, like the girl in high school who’d made fun of him for his underwear lines showing through his shorts in gym class, because apparently that was something David needed to worry about. He’d never understand what it was like to have to wade through the world wishing to disappear because of the way his hips jutted out, or wanting so desperately to hide his chest from anyone’s view. 

He’d never understand. And David had to hold that back.

Even if David did tell Matteo, and was able to express this fully to him, it would be weird. Matteo wouldn’t get it, wouldn’t understand the thing that made David’s experience of the world so opposite of masculine that it made him sick to his stomach to even remember. He’d see David as less than, as someone who was a fake, hoping to God that one day, he could finally be okay with his body. Matteo didn’t have to worry about any of that. 

  
  


By the time midnight rolls around, David sends Matteo a text that almost physically pains him. The second he notices that Matteo’s read it, he wants to curl up in bed and never leave. He wants to disappear, to sink through the floor like quicksand and be swallowed whole.

He doesn't fall asleep until 4 am that night, and he doesn't even care.

  
  


Leonie’s been texting him, asking if he wants to meet up with her and Sara to hang out. David wants to, he likes being around them. He likes that they’re nice to him, that they don’t treat him like an outsider. He likes that they treat him like a guy without even hesitating, or that they don’t awkwardly dance around using pronouns like the nicer people in his old school would. 

He wants to, but he doesn't know if he can be around anyone right now. 

He went to school begrudgingly that morning, praying that he wouldn’t run into Matteo. He doesn't think he could handle that. 

Matteo doesn't even seem to be here today, or the next couple days, as it turns out. 

He’s in math, minding his own business when he hears a familiar voice. 

He turns to find Jonas chatting quietly with a red-headed girl in hushed whispers. 

He doesn't make out much, besides the words, _‘Matteo,’ ‘not here,’_ and _‘not okay.’_

David closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. Both Jonas and the girl that he’s talking to look worried, but almost resigned, as if this isn’t the first time they’ve had to deal with this. 

“I just wish he’d talk to me,” Jonas murmurs, just loud enough for David to overhear. “He’s been looking so _happy_ lately, and then I don’t know. He just shut down.”

David shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He places his headphones in his ears, feeling a little guilty for eavesdropping.

Not too guilty, though, because now he knows something for sure; he’s fucked up. 

  
  


He and Laura are eating dinner silently. David barely even pokes at his food. He’s too busy staring at his last message to Matteo. He wants to send another, just to assure Matteo that it’s him that’s the problem, not Matteo. Never Matteo.

Not the boy who looked at David like he were the stars in the sky, the boy who melted into his arms whenever they kissed, the boy who made David feel so loved, so seen. He didn’t deserve this. 

“What’s up, mopey pants?” Laura asks suddenly with a snort, shoving a mouthful of her dinner into her mouth.

David startles to look up at her. She raises her eyebrows.

“It’s Matteo, isn’t it?” she asks once she’s swallowed her food. 

“I think I fucked up,” David whispers, looking down at his plate. He plays with his pasta. “I think I hurt him.”

“Well…” Laura says hesitantly, setting her fork down on her own plate. “From his point of view it must’ve been a bit of a shock.”

“This is for his own good,” David argues, looking up at his sister, who startles slightly at the intensity of his words. “I’m not dragging him through my bullshit.”

“I thought you were just asking him for some time,” Laura counters gently, probably more than used to David’s outbursts at this point. Fucking second puberty. 

“I did,” David replies, slightly exasperated. “But even if I do get around to telling him, he’ll never understand. It’ll just be weird and awkward and-“

“Alright, I’m going to stop this spiral right now,” Laura says firmly, her voice unfairly even. “You have no way of knowing how Matteo will react. The only thing that you have control over is when and how you’re going to tell him. And if you think it’s worth it.”

David pauses for a second.

“Is he worth it?” Laura asks, reaching across the table to place her hand on David’s. “Do you want to be with him?”

David remembers the freedom he’d felt that afternoon that they’d run all the way back to Matteo’s place after their first kiss. He remembers the exhilaration, the breathlessness, the way his heart felt like it would pound out of his chest whenever they kissed. He did need to hold back what he said to Matteo, but he still felt free. He still felt understood for who he was. 

“More than anything,” David responds in a whisper, and the fight-or-flight starts to subside.

David doesn't think he’s actually left fight-or-flight mode the moment he came out.

“Hey,” Laura prods, nudging his hand gently. “It makes sense, you know. And I get it, to a certain extent. Coming out was one of the hardest things I had to do, but being gay is different. It takes way more bravery to come out and transition in a world of people who just don’t get it. But you’ve done it, David, you’ve had to be brave time and time again, and it’s not fair, but it’s made you such a strong person. If anyone can do this, I know it’s you.”

“Brave,” David huffs, leaning back against his chair and slumping his shoulders. “I’ve never felt brave. It was just the thing that I needed to do to live.”

“It was,” Laura agrees, letting out a sigh of her own. “But it’s not about survival anymore. This is your chance to be happy on _your_ own terms. You deserve that more than anything.”

“I’m not sure what I deserve anymore,” David whispers as a lump rises in his throat. He swallows it down.

“Talk to him,” his sister urges, her voice patient. “Whether you tell him or not, just explain that you’re trying to make this work with him.”

David nods, and Laura squeezes his hand one last time before letting go. She stands up, grabbing her empty plate and starts to walk to the kitchen.

“Oh, and David?” she says, turning around to look back at him.

“Yeah?”

“You deserve to be happy.” Her tone is firm but soft. “I promise you do. And that doesn't make you selfish. In fact, I think it’s the least selfish thing a person can do.”

She turns back around and disappears into the kitchen. 

David understands what she’s getting at, but he doesn't quite know if he can allow that for himself just yet. Not until he’s at least talked to Matteo. 

He takes out his phone. 

To: Matteo

_Hey, I’m sorry, I know that last message must have been a shock. I want to explain myself, could we meet up later?_

He waits for the rest of the night for an answer, nervously checking his phone much too often than he cares to admit. He watches _Only Lovers Left Alive_ for probably the one hundredth time but only pays attention to about half of it. 

His body is in his bed, but his head is somewhere else. He doesn't even really know where, to be honest, but he knows that it’s somewhere he doesn't want to be. He wants to be present, he wants to live in the moment.

Matteo is the only person besides Laura that lets him do that. 

David jumps when his phone buzzes. It’s almost midnight. 

From: Matteo

_Okay._

David doesn't even hesitate in his reply. He doesn't care how desperate it sounds. 

To: Matteo

_Can we meet up? Military base?_

From: Matteo

_Sure._

To: Matteo

_I can leave now and be there in fifteen. Does that work for you?_

From: Matteo

_Thats fine_

To: Matteo

_Okay, I’ll see you soon._

Matteo doesn't reply, but he’s read it. His replies are honestly a little concerning to David. He knows that Matteo can be quiet, but he also knows that Matteo _does_ like to talk, it just takes a little bit to get him there. 

Jonas did say he wasn’t doing well.

  
  


David throws his binder on as quick as he can, before putting his shirt and sweater back on over top. He all but runs out of his room, not even paying attention to Laura, who’s still awake and sitting on the couch. He’s pulling on his shoes and coat when she speaks up from the living room.

“Going somewhere?” She calls out teasingly, full-well knowing that David was in deep shit the last time he was caught sneaking out late. 

“I’m seeing Matteo, I promise this is the last time,” David calls back, looking around to try and find his longboard. “Have you seen my longboard?”

“Check the closet!” Laura replies with a snicker.

He opens the closet, and low and behold, the longboard is there. How the fuck do sisters always know where things are?

“Thanks!” he says, and starts to unlock the front door.

“Don’t die!” is Laura’s only reply. David snorts and closes the door behind him.

  
  


The ride there is quick and uneventful, but David’s heart is still beating much too fast, even for someone who is exercising.

He arrives slightly out of breath, and Matteo isn’t there yet. That’s okay. David will wait as long as he needs to.

He slides down the wall once he presses his back to it. 

The last time he’d done that felt like a lifetime ago. The last time, it was harmless; just David meeting a cute boy who may or may not have been into him to smoke some weed. 

And now?

David isn’t even sure what he’s going to say.

And it’s too late to even think about it now, because he can just vaguely make out Matteo’s outline walking towards him in the fog. He’s slouching, wearing even baggier clothes than normal. David can’t see his hair too well, but it seems to stick up and out even more than usual.

Guilt swims at the bottom of David’s stomach. 

When Matteo reaches him, he nods silently in greeting, and David finally gets a good look at him.

He’s tired, that much David can tell. His skin is paler than normal, almost translucent. The bags under his eyes are more pronounced than usual, although David reckons that his don’t look much better either. Everything about him screams _tired._

David can relate much more than he’d like to admit. 

Matteo’s looking at the ground, seemingly refusing to even meet David’s eye. 

“Hi,” David starts hesitantly, placing his hands beside him on the ground as leverage so that he can stand up. 

“Hi,” Matteo whispers hoarsely in reply, as if he hadn’t used his voice in awhile. 

“Do…” David trails off, doing his best to ignore the mess of knots twisting inside his stomach. “Do you want to stay here? Or we can go somewhere else, if you want-“

“Here is fine,” Matteo interrupts softly, his gaze still down on his shoes. He walks next to David and presses his back against the wall, and then slides down. His shoulders slump in on themselves.

David also slides back down the wall silently, careful to make sure that he and Matteo don’t brush shoulders, as much as he wants to. 

They sit in silence for a beat. Matteo lets out a long sigh and seems to slump more in on himself. David looks to his side, and takes the chance to properly look at him. He looks absolutely exhausted.

David owes him the truth.

He just doesn't know how to say it. The words are stuck at the base of his throat, unable to come to the surface. David could just swallow it down like he always does. He could leave, and let Matteo think that he just wasn’t into him. No hard feelings, just a misunderstanding.

It’s the only way that David knows how to survive. 

Laura was right, however. All David’s done is survive. And while it’s gotten him through the tough times, it hasn’t once ever allowed him to be happy; to enjoy life to the fullest, without a care in the world.

Matteo helps him feel that way, he helps bring the playfulness and happiness that David thought had been completely gone the minute he hit puberty for the first time. Matteo brought it all back. And David wants it back, he wants to live again.

“I…” he trails off, taking in a shaky breath. Matteo turns to look at him. His eyes are patient, much too kind for someone that David’s just ghosted. 

“I’m sorry for not talking to you sooner,” David continues hesitantly. “I’m sorry for pulling away like that. You didn’t deserve that.”

Matteo is silent for a moment, before uttering, “Did I do something wrong?”

David’s head snaps to the side to look at Matteo properly. He’s biting his lip apprehensively, eyes trained purposefully on his lap. 

“No,” David responds firmly, without any hesitation. “You did nothing wrong.”

Matteo lets out a shaky sigh and nods. His eyes meet David’s nervously. 

“Then what happened?” he wonders, eyes wide and earnest. 

And that’s the worst part. If David says this and Matteo doesn't accept it, it’ll just confirm the fact that many good people end up being transphobic. 

David sighs. 

“You scare me, you know that?” he blurts out before he can help himself. “I’ve never liked someone as much as I’ve liked you and… I don’t know, I guess that got to my head.”

“You…” Matteo stammers, his eyes wide with surprise. _“I_ scare you? What are you scared of?”

“I’m scared that you won’t like me once you know who I really am,” David whispers, cursing himself as he feels tears spring to his eyes. He looks down at his lap and tries to stop them. 

Matteo is silent for another moment. David looks up at him hesitantly and breathes a sigh of relief when he realises that Matteo is probably thinking of a response. 

“Who you really are?” Matteo repeats after another beat. “Let’s see. I know that you like to go on midnight adventures for the same reason as me. I know that you’re a fucking awesome artist and that you want to direct films one day. I know that you’ve had problems at home but that you live with your sister, who seems really awesome. I know that I’ve never liked someone as much as I’ve liked you. I think I know you. So, what else is it?”

David sighs. Matteo is right.

“Um,” he hesitates, his heart pounding so hard in his chest that he can barely hear himself. 

_Just do it._

“So, uh, most boys are just boys, right?” he rambles slightly, pointedly not looking anywhere near Matteo’s eyes. “And, uh, girls too. But sometimes that’s completely different.”

“Uh…” Matteo trails off, his brows his furrowed in confusion. “What?”

David takes a deep breath.

He remembers what Laura told him the second she entered his hospital room all those months ago. She’d marched in, told their parents to get out, sat down on his bed, and tilted his chin up. 

_“Keep your head up, okay?”_ she’d said, her voice unwavering despite the unshed tears in her eyes. _“You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is who you are, and nothing anyone else says is going to change that.”_

David lifts his head and looks at Matteo directly. He has nothing to be ashamed of. 

“I was born in the body of a girl,” he says without hesitating, his heart pounding loud in his ears. “But I’m a boy. I’m transgender.”

The words are out. David feels his shoulders drop as an invisible weight lifts from them. He looks at Matteo, who is staring at him blankly.

The silence rings between them. For his part, Matteo looks genuinely confused, which isn’t exactly the reaction David would expect from a raging transphobe. Nevertheless, it hurts a little.

Point taken. 

David’s stomach sinks in disappointment. As if he’d thought it would go well.

“Um, okay, I’m just gonna go then,” David says quietly, placing a hand down on the ground to help himself into a standing position. “Just uh, please don’t tell anyone else at school, okay?”

Before David can stand up properly, there is a hand on top of his, holding him still.

“I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to say,” Matteo murmurs. David turns to look back to him only to meet the same open and earnest eyes from before. He sighs in relief.

“I tend to say stupid things without thinking,” Matteo continues, his words careful and slow. “And I don’t want to offend you, but you know this doesn't change anything? I still like you, and I’m gay, which makes you a guy.”

David almost cries right then and there. Relief floods through him, much stronger than he’d anticipated. Immediately, he feels his body start to relax again, start to leave fight or flight.

“You can ask me anything,” David answers after a moment. “Don’t be worried about offending me, I can help you out. I just thought you needed to know.”

“So…” Matteo trails off, biting his lip hesitantly. “You weren’t… raised as a boy?”

David sighs. He knows that Matteo is asking only because he’s curious, but the dysphoria still swells in his chest nonetheless.

“Not by my parents,” David replies quietly. He leans his head back against the wall. 

Matteo reaches out and takes David’s hand, rubbing his thumb along the back of it soothingly.

“I get difficult parents,” Matteo whispers, his fingers somehow warm despite the cold winter air. “It’s not the same, obviously, but... “

“It sucks,” David whispers back. He lets out another sigh. 

Matteo scoots closer, leaning his head down until it’s resting on David’s shoulder.

“And so,” Matteo continues, the warmth of his breath trailing down David’s neck. “You’re on hormones, right?”

“Yeah,” David confirms, glad that Matteo is steering the conversation in lighter direction. “For almost a year now.”

“What is it like?” Matteo wonders. The messy hair at the crown of Matteo’s head tickles along David’s jawline, but there’s no way in hell he’d ever get Matteo to move.

“It…” David trails off, wracking his brain for a second. “It’s hell to get on them, because there are a bunch of waitlists and therapy and stuff. But uh… once I actually started noticing the effects it was the best I’d ever felt.”

“That’s good,” Matteo murmurs. He sounds earnest, unlike his family whenever he would bring this stuff up. “You deserve to feel good.”

David chuckles slightly.

“So do you,” David replies, leaning his head on top of Matteo’s with a sigh.

Matteo sighs as well, his breath swirling in the cool air in front of them.

“How did you know?” Matteo asks in the silence. “That you’re trans, I mean.”

“I…” David stops to think for a second. “I always felt like something was off about me, but I was never really able to put a name to it. I felt like I was foreign in my own body, which seems weird, I know.”

“I think I know what you’re trying to say,” Matteo murmurs sadly. There’s a story there, but David reckons it’s a story for another time. 

“Yeah, it sucks,” David says. He reaches out to intertwine his fingers with Matteo’s. “But I never really thought it had to do with gender, even though I’d always wished I’d been born male. I just thought it was something that I couldn’t change about myself.”

“What made you accept it?”

“Acceptance,” David chuckles with a scoff. “I don’t know if that’s the right word, but I guess I realised once I found out that the girls in my grade couldn’t relate to how I was feeling. They were all busy trying to impress boys and stuff, and I just felt more uncomfortable every day. So, I googled my symptoms.”

Matteo chuckles. “Really?”

“Yup,” David replies with a snort. “And I found people that described exactly how I was feeling. It was good, because I didn't feel like I was alone for once, but it was also terrifying.”

“Because you had to tell other people?” Matteo wonders, with such surprising accuracy that David turns to look down at him, lifting his head from Matteo’s so that he can see him properly.

Matteo looks back up at him from his resting place on David’s shoulder. He seems to understand, which baffles David a little bit.

It’s then that David realises that, even though Matteo doesn't know what it’s like to be transgender, he knows damn well how frightening simply existing as yourself can be.

“Exactly,” David responds, setting his head against the wall behind him with a tired sigh. “It didn’t exactly go over very well with my parents or my school. So, I left and went to live with Laura in Berlin.”

Matteo’s the one to lift his head this time, his eyes wide with shock. 

“You-” he cuts himself off, frowning and furrowing his brows. “You just took off? Left your parents?”

David sighs. “No, not quite like that,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “After… an incident at school, I went to stay with Laura for a bit just to get away from things for a bit. I didn’t want to leave, and Laura suggested that I just move in with her and have a fresh start.”

“Your parents weren’t mad at that?” Matteo asks curiously. 

“They said they were sad to have me move out, but they didn’t argue,” David responds. “I think they were secretly glad to see me go.”

The words ring in the air, thick and heavy in the frigid night. Matteo nods, his eyes slightly distant and glazed.

He looks like he’s in a whole other world, staring off into space. David knows this feeling all too well.

“You good?” David asks tentatively, reaching out and placing a hand on Matteo’s jacket sleeve. 

Matteo startles, and then shakes his head. 

“Just…” he trails off, shaking his head again. “I don’t know. I hate that you had to go through that alone.”

 _You don’t even know the half of it,_ David thinks to himself. 

“It’s different now,” is what David says instead. “I’m out. I didn’t even care that I was alone, I just wanted to get out. And I did, so things are better.”

“And…” Matteo replies hesitantly, his fingers playing with the hem of David’s sleeve. “You’re not alone anymore. You have Laura. And me.”

David freezes, turning his body to look into Matteo’s eyes properly. Matteo looks nervous, biting his lip but keeping his eyes steady and sure. 

David doesn’t detect a single amount of uncertainty in him.

“That is,” Matteo says, his voice hushed. “If you’ll have me?” 

David’s chest swells. 

He can’t stop himself.

He reaches out and places his hand at the back of Matteo’s neck, gripping onto the short strands of hair. And he kisses him.

Matteo responds instantly, humming against David’s lips. He leans his weight against David’s chest, and David holds him up, placing his other hand on Matteo’s waist to steady him. 

Matteo’s lips are dry and slightly chapped, but that doesn't matter to David in the slightest. He can’t focus on anything else but the warmth of Matteo’s hitched breaths against his face as they exchange languid kisses. He can’t focus on anything but the way Matteo’s body feels against his, the way it makes the butterflies in his stomach fly wildly. 

David pulls back when he needs to breathe, and rests his forehead against Matteo’s.

Matteo is panting as well. He opens his eyes and meets David’s, his pupils dilated, almost covering the blue of his irises. 

“Fuck,” Matteo breathes, letting out an incredulous chuckle. “I’m so into you.”

David’s heart swells, seemingly much too large for his chest, given the rate with which it’s pounding.

He’s a little speechless, and so he leans in to press another soft kiss to Matteo’s lips.

Matteo whines when he pulls back. David smiles, keeping his eyes closed and willing his head to stop spinning too much.

“What?” Matteo whispers, which makes David’s eyes fly open. Matteo looks curious, a small smile forming at the corner of his mouth. 

“I can’t believe you’re real,” David whispers back, smiling as he watches Matteo’s cheeks begin to flush bright red.

“Come back to mine?” Matteo murmurs, ducking his head and leaning it against David’s shoulder. “I’m tired.”

“Of course,” David replies softly, running his fingers gently through Matteo’s hair, which he only notices now is slightly greasy.

Matteo rests against his shoulder a little longer and lets out a sigh. It’s only then that David realises that he doesn't think Matteo’s showered in quite awhile. 

It wouldn’t bother him if it also didn’t seem like Matteo hadn’t been sleeping well. But given the state of Matteo’s pale skin and pronounced eye bags, David thinks he has enough reason to worry. 

“C’mon,” David murmurs, placing a kiss to the crown of Matteo’s head. “Let’s go to bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this made up for last week's cliffhanger lmaooooo


	6. i like you, say it back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!  
> i am sorry for the late update, my friends! you can blame my busy-ass schedule combined with the frustration at my own writing lmaoooooo. thank you to wyo for convincing me that my writing isn't as bad as i think it is sometimes <3
> 
> chapter title comes from the song "Sweet Tooth" by Cavetown which is a FUCKIN BOP and i highly recommend!
> 
> enjoy!

They walk back to Matteo’s place in relative silence. 

Matteo wants to say something, he honestly does, but the words get caught in his throat. 

He can’t help but be a little overwhelmed just by being in David’s presence, by how  _ well _ their entire conversation had just gone. 

To say that Matteo is surprised is a bit of an understatement. He’s spent the past couple days without David, locked up in his room, smoking joint after joint, under the impression that he’d fucked everything up. 

But now knowing why David was scared to tell him? Matteo gets it.

Of course, he doesn't understand what being trans is like, but he understands the fear and confusion surrounding a part of yourself that is intrinsic and unchangeable. He understands that David was scared, and that he ran to protect himself.

And now, Matteo’s just glad that David is by his side again. He’s missed him. He’s missed his teasing remarks, he’s missed the way that David’s smile manages to turn him into a pile of mush, or the way that David’s eyelashes fluttering against the tops of his cheeks makes Matteo swoon.

But mostly, he’s missed the companionship. He’s missed the way that David just seems to understand him, even without having to say anything. And when non-verbal communication isn’t enough, David seems to know just the right things to say to get Matteo to talk without feeling like he’s someone to pity. 

He just hopes that David can extend that same amount of trust onto him, because Matteo wants to give it to him. He wants David to feel safe around him, to trust him, to let his guard down around him with the knowledge that he will be respected and listened to. 

David must have had to hold back so much around him. Matteo wants David to know that he doesn't have to do that anymore. 

David seems a little sheepish, his gaze trained down onto the pavement, following his shoes as they drag along the harsh surface. 

Before he can second guess himself, Matteo reaches out and takes David’s hand, interlacing their fingers. 

David stops for a second, forcing Matteo to stop his own walking. 

He’s looking down at their intertwined fingers in wonder, and then looking back up at Matteo with a smile. 

“This okay?” Matteo murmurs quietly, not wanting to break the silent and calm atmosphere of the empty streets around them. 

“Yeah,” David breathes, his cheeks flushing slightly under the attention.

They walk back to Matteo’s place with smiles on their faces. 

  
  
  


Matteo manages to sneak them both in relatively quietly, breathing a sigh of relief when he walks through the front door and is greeted with darkness. David’s on his phone, typing something quickly and then locking it again. 

“Just letting Laura know,” David whispers in response to Matteo’s curious glance. 

Matteo hums in response, watching as David pockets his phone once again and looks to Matteo expectantly. 

“My room?” Matteo offers, keeping his voice low.

“Yeah.”

They make their way up the stairs quietly and descend down the hall towards Matteo’s bedroom door. Last time that David was here, Matteo was nervous. It was the first time he’d ever had someone who was actually into Matteo just as much as Matteo was into him in his bedroom.

Now, he’s nervous for a whole other reason. 

His room is a mess. There’s clothes and other random shit spread across the floor, empty cups and bottles, half-finished plates of makeshift sandwiches, and a permeating smell of weed.

If David notices this, he doesn't say anything. 

He enters Matteo’s room first, taking in his surroundings before turning to Matteo with a small smile. 

“Wanna lie down?” David offers, holding out a hand, obviously in attempts to get Matteo to hold it. 

Matteo nods wordlessly, almost beyond grateful that David hasn’t pointed out the disaster that is his room, even though he probably ought to. After all, whenever Matteo gets like this, Jonas is the first person to notice just based on the state of his room alone. 

It’s partly helpful and partly really, really annoying. 

But David doesn't say anything. He doesn't give Matteo a pitying smile or tell him that they can clean his room together. He’s patient, much more patient than Matteo ever expected.

They collapse on the bed together, and Matteo immediately snuggles up into David’s chest. 

He breathes in the warm scent that he’s missed so much, nuzzles his nose into the warm skin of David’s neck.

David chuckles, but wraps his arm around Matteo’s shoulders and holds on tight. 

“What time is it?” Matteo murmurs into the silence of the room.

“Mm,” David hums, reaching into his pocket with his free hand to grab his phone. “Just after one in the morning.”

“Oh,” Matteo replies, pleasantly surprised when he realises that his eyes have begun to droop sleepily. “‘M tired.”

“So am I,” David says, running his fingers through Matteo’s hair, which forces out an almost undignified sound from Matteo’s throat.

They lie there in silence for a while, soaking in each other’s warmth. Matteo finds himself on the precipice of sleep, his mind almost blissfully blank for the first time in days. 

Before he crosses that threshold, however, David pipes up again.

“Um,” he murmurs, wiggling a little under Matteo. “Before I fall asleep I should, uh… take off my binder.”

Matteo lifts his head up and looks to David curiously.

“Binder?” he repeats, furrowing his brows in confusion. 

“Yeah, uh…” David clears his throat awkwardly. “It’s a thing I wear to… keep everything flat. But it’s not healthy to sleep in it, so…”

Matteo is silent for a second, trying to get his sleep-muddled brain to catch up.

“Oh,” he says simply, and then shakes his head. 

Suddenly, it hits him. David looks apprehensive, almost like he’s ready to get up and leave if he needs to. 

Keep things flat. Right.

“No worries,” Matteo rushes, trying his best to calm the anxiety written all over David’s face. “I want you to be comfortable, so, do what you need to do.”

David sighs in relief.

“Can you just…” David replies hesitantly, carefully searching Matteo’s face. “Close your eyes for a second? I won’t be long.”

Matteo closes his eyes right away, even placing his hands over them to make sure that he can’t see anything. 

He wants David to trust him. He wants David to feel safe. 

Given the second sigh of relief that he gets, Matteo figures it’s the right decision. 

There’s some rustling as David wiggles out from Matteo’s embrace, and even more rustling, which Matteo figures is David changing his clothes. 

“Ow,” David murmurs absently, which makes Matteo want to reach out and comfort him. He doesn't. Instead, he waits until David is ready. 

He feels a weight dip next to him on the bed, and David’s head hits the pillow.

“Okay, you can open your eyes now,” David says hesitantly.

Matteo takes his hands away from his eyes and opens them, making sure to keep his gaze on David’s face only. 

David smiles at him nervously. He’s lying on his side, face partly (and adorably) smushed into the pillow, and his arms crossed in front of him protectively. 

“What…” Matteo trails off for a second, trying to formulate his question properly. “What’s okay for me to do? Like, for cuddling and stuff.”

David smiles. He inches forward until he’s snuggling up into the crook of Matteo’s neck. 

Oh. 

Matteo hesitantly wraps his arm around David’s back, making sure to steer clear of his chest.

David relaxes into his touch, his breath warm against Matteo’s neck. Matteo didn’t realise how much he liked cuddling like this; holding someone close, keeping them safe in his arms. It’s different from being held, but equally as wonderful.

“Just… don’t touch my chest please,” David whispers, his lips brushing lightly against Matteo’s pulse point, which makes him shiver a little bit. 

“Of course,” Matteo replies, pressing his nose into the crown of David’s head and getting a whiff of the warm scent that he likes so much. “Just let me know if there’s anything that I can do.”

David stills at this. He shifts to get his palms flat on the mattress and lifts up just a little bit to face Matteo. 

“You’re so good,” David murmurs, placing a finger delicately underneath Matteo’s chin and leaning in to press a soft and sleepy kiss to his lips. 

Matteo melts into it, reaching up to tangle his own fingers into David’s hair. When they part, David presses his forehead against Matteo’s.

“Thank you for being so cool about this,” he continues, closing his eyes as he leans into the touch.

“I…” Matteo trails off, a little overwhelmed by how  _ good _ he feels right now. “You make me feel safe. The last thing that I want is for you to not feel the same way around me.”

David smiles and presses another kiss to Matteo’s lips. 

“I’m glad I make you feel safe,” David says once they part again. “You make me feel safe, too. I never thought I’d be able to say that.”

“C’mere,” Matteo murmurs, holding out his arms wide. David falls into his arms gratefully, and resumes their previous position with only a little bit of fidgeting. 

“We’ll go to school tomorrow together?” David asks quietly, almost hesitantly, as if he knew that he was treading on thin ice.

They both know that Matteo hasn’t been to school in days. 

“Yeah,” Matteo replies begrudgingly. He isn’t looking forward to having to catch up on his missed assignments, or the concerned spiel that Jonas will inevitably give him whenever this happens. 

“Cool,” David replies nonchalantly, which floods Matteo’s stomach with relief. 

“If you want… I can introduce you to my friends?” Matteo suggests hesitantly. “We don’t have to tell them anything, of course. But uh, they’re pretty chill, I’m sure you’d get along well.”

David is silent for a moment. Matteo presses his lips lightly to David’s forehead, humming inquisitively. 

“If you want, I’m okay with that,” David says slowly. “Just uh… groups of guys make me a little nervous.”

Oh.

Matteo hadn’t really thought about that, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Of course David would be a little apprehensive. Even talking about sexuality around the guys makes Matteo nervous, even though he knows they aren’t homophobic. He can imagine that gender is a much harder topic to discuss. 

“They’re really cool, I promise,” Matteo tries to reassure, rubbing a hand gently along David’s upper arm. “But if you’re overwhelmed or anything we can just escape for a bit or something, whatever you need.”

Matteo can feel David’s smile against his neck.

“Okay,” David whispers, trailing his fingers across Matteo’s waist gently. 

They lapse into silence, and Matteo’s eyes begin drooping once again.

  
  
  
  


It doesn't feel like too much time has passed before David’s phone is going off with a loud alarm. 

Matteo whines, reaching out blindly until he meets the warmth of David’s shoulder. He leans forward, pressing his nose on the outside of David’s shoulder and nuzzling into his upper arm.

“Matteo,” David murmurs, a laugh in his tone. “We need to get up if we want to get to school on time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo murmurs against the bare skin of David’s arm, his breath warm. 

  
  
  


They slowly get out of bed, getting changed with their backs facing each other. David borrows a shirt and sweater from Matteo, and he tries not to dwell too much on how much he loves to see David in his clothing. 

The black of Matteo’s hoodie on David complements his skin tone a lot better than Matteo’s. It hugs his waist in different places, too, which doesn't stop Matteo’s staring at all. 

If David notices, however, he doesn't say anything.

  
  
  


Matteo can’t really stop staring at David the entire time they’re on the bus. 

He honestly can’t help it. He can’t believe that David is here with him, that he  _ wants _ to be with him.

Matteo almost has a new-found appreciation for the boy; his smile, his messy hair that he constantly fidgets with, the way he presses his shoulder up against Matteo’s comfortingly. It’s subtle, not nearly enough to draw any attention to themselves, but it grounds Matteo, keeps him present in the moment. 

By the time they arrive at school, Matteo feels more energized than he has in weeks.

He’s nervous, don’t get him wrong. There is a lot that he needs to catch up on. He still needs to introduce David to his friends without giving anything away. Matteo has never been shy about his affection, even around his friends. 

He just hopes he doesn't give  _ too _ much away.

As it turns out, Jonas, Abdi, and Carlos are in the foyer, recognizable right from the front door. 

Matteo’s heart pounds a little bit. 

“Hey,” David says to his side, nudging his arm gently. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Matteo responds with a murmur, not keeping his eyes off his friends. “That’s them over there. Wanna say hi?”

David looks a little startled. He follows Matteo’s gaze, stops on his friends for a second, and then looks back at Matteo. 

“If you want to,” David responds carefully, looking a little nervous himself.

Matteo nudges him with his shoulder carefully, doing his best to keep his movements undetectable to the people around him but pressing hard enough for David to feel it.

David smiles at him, obviously picking up on the silent message that Matteo sends him, and so Matteo leads the way.

He approaches his friends quietly, and then Jonas spots him.

“Luigi!” Jonas exclaims, effectively cutting off whatever Carlos had been saying. He reaches out with a hand, and Matteo grabs it with his own as they do their usual greeting handshake.

“Hey,” Matteo murmurs to Jonas quietly as soon as they’re out of earshot of Carlos and Abdi.

“Everything okay?” Jonas murmurs back, keeping his voice quiet like he normally does whenever they broach this subject.

“Mmh,” Matteo responds, well aware that David can probably hear everything that they’re saying.

Jonas nods at him; a silent understanding. They break apart and Matteo nods to his other two friends in greeting.

“Hey, diggi,” Carlos greets enthusiastically, reaching out to slap his hand against Matteo’s. “You still sick?”

Matteo sends Jonas a thankful glance.

“Nah,” Matteo replies, doing his best to match Carlos’ enthusiasm. “Just a 24-hour flu or something.”

“Good,” says Abdi, greeting Matteo with his own unique version of a bro-handshake in his usual clumsy fashion. “Don’t want you infecting us.”

“Thanks,” Matteo replies sarcastically, rolling his eyes but keeping a smile on his face. He turns back to David, who is standing just behind Matteo awkwardly.

“Uh, boys,” Matteo continues, taking a step back so that he and David are stood side by side. “This is David, he just moved here.”

“I think we’ve met,” Jonas says, reaching out to greet David with a handshake similar to what he’d done with Matteo. David looks stunned, but he returns the gesture. “You’re in my math class, right?”

“Yeah,” David responds a little shyly.

“Nice.” Jonas nods casually. “You’ve saved my ass with your homework, man.”

David lets out a surprised laugh, which rings clear and bright. Matteo can’t help but stare at him, at his wide smile and his twinkling eyes. 

_ Fuck, _ he’s so pretty.

“This is Abdi and Carlos,” Jonas introduces, breaking Matteo out of his reverie.

David shakes hands with both Abdi and Carlos, who greet him enthusiastically.

Matteo takes in David’s expression carefully, watching the corners of his mouth raise slightly as the boys continue their conversation without a hitch, including David as if they’d known him forever. 

Matteo sees the beam in David’s eyes, the same beam that he gets when he’s looking at Matteo. 

Matteo wants to see him like this every second of every day.

As if he has a sixth sense, David turns to look at Matteo and meets his eyes. He flushes slightly, seemingly only now realising that he’s being looked at. 

Matteo smiles. The muscles feel strained slightly from the misuse, but Matteo doesn't care in the slightest if it means he gets to feel like this more. 

“Digga?” Jonas says, snapping both David and Matteo out of their trances. 

Matteo shakes his head and snaps it over to look at his best friend. Jonas is looking between them with a curious glance, in his almost annoyingly observant best friend way.

“Sorry, what?” Matteo murmurs, feeling his own cheeks flush slightly now that he’s under scrutiny.

“Carlos asked you something,” Jonas responds, nodding slightly towards their other friend, who appears much more oblivious. 

“Yeah?”

“Kiki invited us to Mia’s WG for a party this weekend,” Carlos repeats, definitely much too excited about the idea of seeing Kiki again. “Isn’t it your turn to bring the greens?”

“I thought it was Abdi’s turn,” Matteo replies, shaking his head in confusion. 

“Nah, I go after you diggi,” Abdi says, his brows furrowed in what also appears to be confusion. “Jonas brought some last time.”

“Oh,” Matteo murmurs quietly, definitely still a little confused. He could’ve sworn that Carlos had brought the weed last time. “Yeah, sure. How much?”

“Say a few g’s?” Carlos replies, looking to Jonas, who nods in confirmation. Obviously, they’d been planning this beforehand. “Kiki and the girls might want some, so.”

“Yeah, because that’s the only reason you’re giving Kiki some,” Abdi teases, a grin wide on his face. 

“Dude, I think I have a chance now!” Carlos exclaims defensively, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

“Yeah, but I don’t think she’s really into smoking, you know,” Jonas says, shrugging his shoulders casually. “She’s really into fitness, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, but people can smoke and be into fitness,” Carlos shoots back. 

“Yeah, and you’re not one of them,” Abdi fires, the shit-eating grin on his face even wider when he realises he’s just landed a good burn. 

Amongst the laughter and attempts at putting Abdi into a headlock, Matteo turns to David.

“Kiki’s the girl he’s really into,” Matteo murmurs, quiet enough for none of the other boys to hear. “She and her boyfriend broke up like a month ago.”

“Ah…” David muses, looking back and forth between the boys in amusement. “And Mia?”

“She’s Kiki’s friend, she’s pretty cool,” Matteo responds. “She’s friends with Jonas’ ex.”

Matteo tries to swallow the guilt that rises to his throat. Interestingly, it’s a little easier with David beside him. 

“That’s... “ David trails off, letting out a quiet laugh. “That’s a lot to take in at once.”

“You get used to it,” Matteo whispers with a shrug. “But everyone’s chill, you’ll see at the party.”

“T-the party?” David stutters, frowning slightly, his brows furrowing.

“Yeah?” Matteo responds hesitantly. “If you want to come, that is?”

“Yeah, for sure, digga,” Jonas says, breaking Matteo and David out of their reverie. “You should come. Any friend of Luigi’s is a friend of ours.”

“Oh, um…” David still looks a little confused, but his expression shifts slightly into one of awe. “Yeah, sure.”

Matteo thinks he’s the only one that catches it, because Carlos and Abdi begin their bickering again without a hitch.

He still sees it as David catches his eye and smiles at him. David looks so different right now, but in the best possible way. 

Long gone is the boy he’d met by the abandoned military base with the mysterious demeanour and the unreadable eyes always transfixed by the horizon. He’s smiling right now, and he does so the more and more that Matteo gets to know him. He’s just as gorgeous as the first time Matteo met him, but this time, he’s more relaxed, more free. 

Matteo can’t help but think back to something David had said last night, about his coming out not going well with his family or at his school. 

It breaks Matteo’s heart a little to know that David’s been alone for quite awhile until now.

He wants to reach out, wants to wrap David into his arms and never leave, but he can’t. Matteo doesn't know if he’d ever be able to feel that comfortable being affectionate with a boy in front of his classmates. 

  
  


As Matteo and David bid their goodbyes to the boys, that thought doesn't leave Matteo’s head. 

He doesn't think that he’d ever be brave enough to tell the whole school that he and David are seeing each other, but he thinks that Jonas would be okay with it. 

He knows that Jonas isn’t homophobic, neither are Abdi or Carlos or any of their other friends. From what Matteo knows, Mia’s roommate is also gay, and no one seemed to mind at their Christmas party in December. Which means that, even if Matteo never felt comfortable enough to be as affectionate as Hanna and Jonas were in public, they’d probably have no problem with him and David being together. 

Matteo honestly doesn't even know what’s holding him back anymore. He has no reason to hide from his friends, not when they’ve only ever been nothing but nice to him. 

He supposes it’s that part of him that learned quite young that speaking up meant never feeling understood. At least not at home. It’s gotten better on that front since Matteo’s dad left, but it’s replaced with such an uneasy silence that it makes Matteo’s ears ring.

Why not tell his friends, though? Why not let himself have this, be open and not have to lie anymore, if it’s not a problem?

He thinks he can deal with Carlos and Abdi’s innocent but still slightly invasive questions that he knows they’ll have. Yeah, the stereotypes and assumptions kinda get to him, but he knows that that’s just what they are- they’re not even an accurate picture of what being gay even is. And besides, he knows that Abdi and Carlos really don’t mean anything behind it, they just tend to lose all their braincells when they’re in the same vicinity. Matteo tends to lose some of his braincells whenever they’re all together, anyways. 

He and David part for their respective classes with murmured “see you laters” and shy smiles. Matteo swears to God that he’s actually a little on cloud nine right now, just thinking about having David back, having his simultaneously calming and breathtaking presence around him. 

And everyone else? Well, he thinks they would be okay with this part of him. 

Still, the conditioned sense of fear still tightens his stomach at the thought of it. He tries to will it away as best as he can.

Maybe he can just tell Jonas, and get a gauge on how he reacts. Jonas should be fine, anyways, as he’d been sure to mention LGBT rights in his rants about various social issues, despite making it very clear that he’s straight (much to Matteo’s dismay when Jonas had started dating Leonie.)

Now that his crush on Jonas is history, there’s nothing really keeping Matteo from telling him.

  
  
  


Matteo can honestly say that, in formulating his plan to best come out to Jonas, he’d totally forgotten about not having a bus ticket.

That is, until the conductor comes on board.

He and David are stood side by side, their shoulders brushing lightly despite the fact that there are available seats on the bus. 

Matteo doesn't actually notice that the tickets are being checked until he overhears the familiar voice of the ticket conductor. 

“Fuck,” Matteo murmurs under his breath, only loud enough for David to overhear. 

David perks up, looking to the front of the bus to watch the ticket conductor begin to check people’s tickets. He turns back to Matteo.

“No ticket?” he asks under his breath. Matteo shakes his head in response. 

He’s so fucked. 

It’ll be the third time now that he’s been caught without a ticket, and by the looks of it, he’ll be caught by the same man as last time.

David looks at the conductor once more, and then back at Matteo as he stands upright. He searches his pockets for a moment, before producing what appears to be his ticket, and steps forward.

“Excuse me?” David calls out, grabbing the attention of the conductor.

Matteo’s brows furrow in confusion.

“Yes?” the man says, leaning forward to check the ticket that David shows him with an outstretched hand. 

“I need to go to Alex,” David starts, much more confident than Matteo has seen him before. “But I don’t know where I should get off.”

“Alex is completely in the other direction,” the man responds impatiently, looking at David incredulously. “You’re on the wrong bus.”

“W-what do you mean I’m on the wrong bus?” David asks, seemingly genuinely confused. 

And oh. Okay.

David is actually a pretty good actor. Matteo tries his best to watch the conversation in front of him unfold as stealthily as he can.

“You need to get off at the next stop and take the bus towards the end of the line,” the man sighs in exasperation. “Then you’re at Alexanderplatz.”

“Oh…” David stutters, stepping back when the man begins to step towards Matteo. “And… How does that work with my ticket, then?”

“This is a monthly ticket for February,” the man deadpans, obviously annoyed by the obvious question. Matteo suppresses the urge to snort. 

“Oh… February,” David replies, completely oblivious to the man’s annoyance.

“Can I see your ticket, please?” the man interjects, throwing his statement toward Matteo.

Matteo freezes, and then steels his nerves. If David is getting away with playing dumb, then so can he.

Matteo fixes what he hopes is an inquisitive look on his face, as if he didn’t hear the question.

It obviously is convincing enough, because the man repeats his question.

Matteo nods with a flush, slinging his backpack off one shoulder and opening the front pouch. He ruffles through the haphazardly strewn biology papers and loose pens, doing his best to stall for time. 

“Uh…” David jumps in again, looking back at Matteo a little desperately. “And in the other bus is it also the same month?”

The noise of the bus halting at the next stop covers the snort that escapes Matteo involuntarily. 

“In this bus it’s February,” the man tells David before turning back to Matteo. “Do you have your ticket?”

“Uh…” David cuts in again, watching as the bus doors open automatically. “Looks like this is our stop, sorry!”

David reaches out to pull Matteo along, but Matteo doesn't need any hints. He practically runs out the door, throwing an innocent glance back at the conductor and shrugging his shoulders.

David lets out a loud laugh as he runs out the door right on Matteo’s tail. Matteo can’t help himself, he also starts to laugh.

They keep running, traversing the bridge up ahead. Matteo throws glances sporadically behind his shoulder to check to see if anyone is following them. 

As luck would have it, the bus is already driving away.

“Fuck!” Matteo chortles, reaching out to place a hand on David’s shoulder to stop him from running. “Thank you! You just saved my ass.”

“No worries,” David replies with a smile, his dark eyes glinting in the sun mischievously. “Forgot your ticket?”

“Um.” Matteo takes a deep breath, steeling himself for David’s reaction. “Yes, that would’ve been my third time, actually.”

“Oh,” David says, furrowing his brows in confusion. “What happened the last two times?”

“Um,” Matteo starts, starting to walk again and motioning for David to follow. “I keep forgetting to buy a ticket. I only remember once it’s too late.”

David nods, looking carefully at Matteo from the side as best as he can while also walking. 

“Okay, well,” David says after a pause, reaching out and placing a hand on Matteo’s arm to stop him from walking again. “Take out your phone.”

“Hm?” Matteo murmurs in inquiry, grabbing his phone from his jacket pocket and placing it in David’s outstretched hand. 

David raises a brow at him, looking between the black phone screen in his hand and Matteo.

“Oh, right,” Matteo says, shaking his head. He places his thumb on the home button to unlock his phone.

“Okay.” David taps away at Matteo’s phone for a moment. He hands Matteo’s phone back once he’s done. “There you go. Set you a reminder to buy a new bus pass. That way you won’t forget.”

Matteo looks down at his phone, which has been opened to the Reminders app. Huh.

“Thanks,” Matteo replies sheepishly, locking his phone and putting it back in his pocket. 

When he looks back up, David seems to be watching him carefully.

“I have to remind myself to do these things too, you know,” David says, his voice gentle. “It happens to everyone.”

Matteo knows that tone of voice. It’s the same tone that Jonas uses with him when he’s trying to get Matteo to open up, or when he’s trying to remind Matteo to take care of himself. Matteo knows it’s in good faith, and that Jonas only does it because he cares. With Jonas, however, that tone of voice sends him right over the edge with annoyance. With David, it doesn't feel quite as patronizing. 

David knows what it’s like to have more important things in your life than remembering to buy a bus ticket, or to clean his room regularly, or to shower every day. He knows that Matteo is trying.

Still, just knowing that he isn’t able to do everything to take care of himself sends a pit of shame down his stomach.

“Yeah,” Matteo shrugs, looking down at his shoes. “It’s fine. I never remember any of these things, my brain must be broken or something.”

He’d meant it as a joke, but it falls flat. Matteo clears his throat to try to swallow down the unexpected frustration that accompanies his words. He is frustrated. He’s frustrated that he can never remember these stupid mundane things, like buying bus tickets or food for the house. He’s frustrated that he never remembers what he has for homework, or that he’s never even able to pay attention in class to even know the homework in the first place. He’s frustrated that, despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to focus without his mind going hazy and his eyes wandering.

Why can’t he just focus? At least enough to remember the little things.

“Your brain isn’t broken,” David argues calmly, his gaze steady and calm. Matteo looks at the other boy and sighs, finding at least a little bit of solace in the browns of his eyes. “You just need some more reminders, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I guess,” Matteo replies quietly. David doesn't answer, instead, he just focuses his attention onto Matteo solely.

They stand there for a moment, looking at each other in silence. 

Perhaps this silence would’ve been awkward if they didn’t know each other all that well. But somehow, after only knowing David for a short amount of time, he feels completely comfortable around him no matter the context. David knew how to make him feel safe and comfortable enough to be both silent or talkative. He knew when Matteo seemed to have something he wanted to say, and gave him the time to formulate the words that he knows he would blurt out impulsively if he didn’t think them through first. David also knew when Matteo wanted to be silent and exist with him in peace, the warmth from his skin blending into Matteo’s own until he can’t feel where his own skin ends and David’s begins.

This is one of those moments; one where David knows that Matteo doesn't want to talk, not because Matteo doesn't want to, but because he doesn't feel the  _ need _ to.

“Your place?” David murmurs so as to not break the quiet peace settled between them. 

Matteo nods in confirmation, and David smiles at him. He starts to walk again, brushing his shoulder against Matteo’s gently in a way that would seem nonchalant to anyone else but is a purposeful comforting touch to Matteo. 

He’ll gladly take those little touches for the rest of his life if it means he can feel a semblance of the same comfort that David’s presence gives him.

  
  


“I want to tell Jonas,” Matteo murmurs, his breath wisping from his mouth in swirls of cool air. “That I’m gay.”

It’s midnight and Matteo and David are sitting on the swing set of the old playground by Matteo’s house. They’re passing a joint back and forth, breathing out puffs of smoke that cloud Matteo’s view of the slide in front of him; the one he and Jonas always used to go on as kids. 

Matteo smiles to himself a little bit. Sure, things are different now. He doesn't think he’ll ever have the same innocence back. This playground isn’t the same anymore, and neither is Matteo. 

“I’m proud of you,” David says, breaking Matteo from his thoughts. David’s looking at him, holding out the burning joint between his fingertips. Matteo takes the joint, puts it between his lips, and inhales. 

He smiles, unable to stop his cheeks from flushing a little bit. Yeah, maybe things are different now, but he has this. He has the prettiest boy in the world sat next to him on the very same swing set that his mom used to push him on as a child. He feels just as warm, just as real as what Matteo remembers from his childhood, and he’s here. He stayed. He  _ wants _ to stay.

“You’re okay with it?” Matteo wonders, blurting it out as the thought suddenly comes to mind.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” David replies, furrowing his brows. He takes the joint from Matteo’s fingers and takes a drag.

“I mean…” Matteo trails off, casting his gaze down to his lap sheepishly. “I thought that maybe… I don’t know, I could tell him about you? Obviously, only if you want me to. I don’t have to mention your name if-”

“Matteo,” David interrupts gently, blowing out smoke from the corner of his mouth. His eyes are shining, and he’s looking at Matteo  _ that _ way again; he seems to almost be in awe, as if he can’t believe that what is happening is real. 

“Yeah?”

“You can tell him,” David says, smiling nervously. “You can mention my name. Just uh… don’t tell him that I’m… uh.”

David cuts himself off, looking down at the ground apprehensively. 

“I would never,” Matteo blurts out before he can even think of a more coherent response. “Not without your permission.”

Normally, he would regret letting the first thought in his head slip from his lips, but this time, he doesn't think he needs to. David looks up at him again, breathing out a sigh of relief and nodding. 

Matteo knows he’s said the right thing.

“I’ll just uh…” Matteo continues, steeling his breath as he prepares himself for the next words he’s about to utter. “I’ll just tell him that you’re my boyfriend?”

The silence rings in the air for a beat, and Matteo’s stomach instantly clenches with fear.

David doesn't even look like he’s quite processed what Matteo has said, his stare blank and his brows furrowed in confusion.

“Boyfriend?” David repeats incredulously.

“I-”

Before Matteo can even respond (not that it would’ve been coherent anyways,) David cuts him off again.

“Yes,” David says, a smile widening on his face. Matteo can’t help himself as he mirrors David’s facial expression. “Yes, you can tell him that.”

“Cool,” Matteo responds with a grin, trying his best to sound casual but definitely failing miserably.

David takes the last drag of the almost-finished joint, inhaling quickly and throwing it on the ground to stomp it out. He exhales, turning back to Matteo, the glint in his eyes now mischievous.

He’s so fucking adorable. 

Before Matteo can say anything else, David is reaching out from his swing set and wrapping his arms around Matteo’s neck. He leans in close, his breath warm against Matteo’s face as he connects their lips.

The butterflies in his stomach erupt and his breath leaves his body in a rush at the feeling of David’s warmth against him. He kisses back, sighing shakily as he places his hands on David’s chest for stability.

He doesn't know if it’s the high from the weed that makes this kiss feel even better, but quite honestly, it’s the least of Matteo’s concern. David’s sighing against him as well, and he deepens the kiss. Matteo’s heart is pounding in his chest, the noise echoing through his ears. He almost feels dizzy, but it’s fueled by adrenaline. It awakens all his senses, allows him to focus on nothing but the feeling of David’s warm lips pressed against his and his fingertips that have buried themselves into his hair. It’s as if the world is spinning much too fast around them, but somehow, it doesn't hurt Matteo’s head the way it normally does. Instead, it grounds him, allows his body to stay present and for his brain to stop rattling inside his skull.

David presses forward a little further, panting against Matteo’s open mouth, and-

Suddenly, David swings backwards, effectively wrenching the two apart. David sways a little on his swing set. His eyes are dark and unfocussed, his hair is mussed up, and his lips are red and slightly swollen. He looks a little confused, and Matteo definitely mirrors that sentiment.

Then, David snorts, looking around with a sheepish smile on his face. 

“Wanna go back?” David asks with a murmur, his breath still coming a little heavy.

“Definitely,” Matteo responds enthusiastically, not even bothering to try and hide his excitement. 

David grins fully at him, and before Matteo can make a move, David leaps up from his swing and begins to run off. 

“Race you!” David calls out over his shoulder.

Matteo shakes his head, letting out an incredulous laugh.  _ This boy. _

He runs after David. 

  
  
  


David heads home the next day after school to give his sister some company. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic about it, but Matteo gets it.

Besides, he’d overheard Laura on the phone that one time, and he wouldn’t want to get on her bad side either.

Besides, Matteo has something to do.

He’d already invited Jonas over earlier today, much to his friend’s excitement. Matteo had honestly felt a little bad, because it’s been way too long since he and Jonas have hung out one-on-one.

He knows that Jonas would never blame him for pulling away slightly, but the guilt still swims in his stomach with gentle waves, overlapping and quiet, but not absent.

And this is where Matteo finds himself this afternoon, his controller in hand and getting his ass kicked by Jonas in Mario Kart. 

“Boom!” Jonas exclaims as he passes the finish line. “That’s how it’s done, brudi.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo murmurs, tossing his controller to the side in defeat and rolling his eyes. 

“You giving up?” Jonas asks, a wolfish grin on his face.

Matteo pauses for a second to think.

He could just pick up the controller again, like he’d done the last round. And the time before that. Or, he could just blurt out the real reason that he’d invited Jonas over. 

Matteo settles for a third option. 

“Wanna smoke?” he asks, already getting up from his chair to his hiding stash.

“Hell yeah,” Jonas murmurs in reply, putting his own controller down and leaving his chair to join Matteo by his coffee table. The main menu music plays in the background, which sets an odd mood to the room, but Matteo doesn't mind too much. It distracts him a little bit, at least. 

Matteo gets to his usual routine of grinding, dumping the bud on the table, and starting to place it into his rolling paper. His hands are shaking a little bit, but he hopes that Jonas doesn't notice. 

Matteo looks up, sneaks a glance at his best friend. He’s definitely watching Matteo carefully, his brows furrowed a little bit in concern.

“What?” Matteo asks defensively, shrugging his shoulders.

“Nothing,” Jonas says hesitantly, biting his lip. “Just… will you have enough for the party this weekend?”

“Oh,” Matteo replies, untensing his shoulders slightly. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I got extra.”

Jonas nods, the expression on his face a little bit unreadable. Matteo decides not to read into it too much right now. It’s a conversation for another day. Besides, he needs this just to relax enough to tell Jonas. 

The joint has been rolled, and Matteo beckons Jonas to sit on the windowsill. They sit down across from each other, not unlike David had done that first weekend they were together. 

Matteo sparks up the joint, taking in a few drags before handing it to Jonas. Jonas takes the joint with practised ease and places it between his lips. 

“Rentier always gets the best shit,” Jonas remarks once he’s inhaled and taken the joint from his mouth. 

“Yeah,” Matteo agrees easily, reaching out to take the joint from Jonas’ fingers. “Apparently he just got this strain, told me I needed to try it.”

“I swear to God I only understand about half the shit that guy says,” Jonas chuckles, looking out the window and onto the street below. 

“I just pretend I know what he’s talking about,” Matteo murmurs, letting out a chuckle of his own. 

They pass the joint between themselves in comfortable silence. Matteo’s head, however, is anything but. 

He should just say it. The weed is helping him loosen up, and he knows that he has nothing to fear. He’s always felt safe around Jonas, enough to know that he’ll be understood. He knows that Jonas won’t have a problem with this at all. 

So why hasn’t he said it yet?

The words are stuck in Matteo’s throat. He wants to just blurt them out, to get them out in the open. This is the hard part, after all. Once he’s said them, he doesn't need to feel nervous. He knows that Jonas will prompt him enough to be able to answer his questions easily. He’s always been that way with Matteo. He’s always seemed to know just what to say to keep the conversation going. 

It’s probably better just to rip the bandage off. Besides, weed always makes Matteo bluntly honest. And right now, that’s exactly what he needs.

“I’ve been seeing someone,” Matteo blurts out, making Jonas jump a little bit. 

Matteo gets it. He normally isn’t the one to break the silence. 

“Really?” Jonas says after a beat. He’s smiling, which Matteo takes as encouragement to continue.

“Yeah,” Matteo shrugs, attempting for casual. “It’s going really well.”

“That’s awesome, diggi,” Jonas replies, reaching out to pat Matteo’s shoulder. “Am I allowed to know who it is?”

Ah. 

Matteo’s stomach flutters in nervousness. 

“Um…” Matteo trails off, taking a deep breath. “Guess?”

“Hm.” Jonas pauses for a moment, placing the joint between his lips and taking a drag while he thinks. “Maybe Sara? Haven’t you two been hanging out lately?”

Matteo snorts before he can restrain himself. Jonas raises his brows in surprise, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he motions for Matteo to continue.

“Nah, not Sara,” Matteo replies, shaking his head. “She’s not my type.”

“Who is your type, then?” Jonas asks, his voice gentle. 

Matteo knows that he’s asking because he’s genuinely curious. He knows that Jonas will take whatever answer he’s given in stride. He just wants to get to know Matteo, wants insight into his head. 

Matteo’s almost a little stricken by how lucky he got with his best friend. 

“Um,” Matteo murmurs, taking a deep breath to steel his nerves.

_ Just do it.  _

“David’s more my type,” Matteo blurts out, and almost immediately, the tension drains from his shoulders. It’s out there, he’s done the hard part. 

Given the nonchalant look on Jonas’ face, Matteo knows that his hypothesis was true.

“Ah,” Jonas says, nodding his head in understanding. “And… he’s the person that you’re seeing?”

“Yeah.”

Jonas smiles, handing the joint over to Matteo. Matteo takes the joint with a smile of his own. 

“And... “ Jonas starts, his voice a little hesitant. “It’s good? With David, I mean. He’s good to you?”

Matteo flushes immediately, which makes Jonas laugh. Oh boy, he’s so whipped. 

“Really good,” Matteo murmurs around his embarrassment. “I really like him.”

“Good,” Jonas says with a satisfactory nod. “I did wonder what the deal was between you two.”

“What?” Matteo asks with a nervous chuckle. He takes another drag of the joint. 

“I don’t know, you two just seemed close is all,” Jonas explains with a shrug. “Like you were in your own little world or something.”

Matteo snorts. Oh, the irony.

“That’s what it was like to be around you and Hanna,” Matteo replies, decidedly leaving out the fact that Jonas and Hanna definitely still do this. 

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Jonas chuckles, taking the almost-finished joint from Matteo’s fingers. “But that’s good. That’s a good place to be with someone.”

“It is,” Matteo agrees, leaning his head back against the wall with a sigh.

They sit in silence for a couple seconds before Jonas speaks up again.

“Do you want the others to know as well?” Jonas asks, turning back to look at Matteo. “That you’re... “

He leaves the sentence open, an invitation for Matteo to fill in the blank.

“That I’m seeing David? That I’m... ” Matteo hesitates, looking at his best friend. He’s looking back at Matteo with absolutely no judgment. “That I’m gay?”

The words ring in the air for a moment, and Matteo looks to his lap. No matter how many times he says the word, no matter how much he knows that he has nothing to be ashamed of, he can’t help but feel much too exposed.

“Hey,” Jonas says softly, cutting Matteo from his thoughts. “I’m proud of you, Luigi. I’ll tell the others whatever you want, it’s your decision.”

Matteo smiles at the old nickname. It always makes him nostalgic to hear it. It brings him back to his childhood, playing in the neighbourhood until dusk with Jonas every day after school without a care in the world. It’s always a nice feeling to remember, even if he isn’t able to experience it for himself anymore. 

“Can we just keep this between us for now?” Matteo murmurs, taking the joint back from Jonas and finishing it with one drag. He stubs it out in his ashtray sitting between them. “I’ll tell them soon.”

“Of course,” Jonas replies without hesitation. “But you know what this means now, right?”

“What?”

“I need to spend some more time with this dude,” Jonas says excitedly. “I need to make sure he’s right for you and all. It’s my obligation as your best friend.”

“Is it now?” Matteo muses with a snort. He rolls his eyes.

“Of course!” Jonas exclaims, wiggling his brows ridiculously. “He’s coming to the party, right?”

“Yeah, he said he was looking forward to it,” Matteo replies, deciding to leave out the fact that he suspects this is the first party that David’s actually been to.

“Nice,” Jonas says in English. “Looking forward to it, man.”

“Me too.”

For the first time in a long time, Matteo actually means it.


	7. take this lonely heart, cause i don't need it no more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi peeps! 
> 
> sorry for the wait on this chapter- ya boi's been heckin busy yo.  
> i've honestly been a little bit discouraged in writing this over the past little while, and that's honestly due to the seemingly dwindling fandom interest in general. ive noticed that people aren't as engaged in the fandom (which makes sense, we're on hiatus rn), but for me as a writer, it doesn't exactly encourage me to continue.  
> don't get me wrong, i'm so incredibly grateful to each and every one of you for reading, leaving kudos, commenting etc. those of you who have stuck around are the reason that i'm continuing this and why i'm going to finish this story. so thank you, your motivation means so much more than you think it does!  
> the thing that motivates me the most is engagement: i want to know what y'all think! your comments make my day, they keep me going. part of the reason why i love fanfic so much is that it's so much more community-based than traditional book publishing. please don't feel shy to leave comments, or even feel obligated to say anything deep or insightful. even keysmash comments are so fucking awesome.   
> i feel a little odd asking for this, almost selfish even but... i think anyone who produces fandom content understands what i'm trying to say. i want to hear from you all! i want to hear your thoughts, your theories, your criticism's, everything! i know that there are people who are reading- don't let the fandom fade into obscurity! we're still here, and the less we talk to each other, the less content will be made.
> 
> thanks for listening to my rant, i guess lol. content warning for neuhaus (nothing worse than in canon).
> 
> chapter title comes from "Take This Lonely Heart" by Nothing But Thieves.

It’s Friday, otherwise known as David’s favourite day of the week.

There’s just one more day of school until the weekend, and he and Matteo are planning on spending it together.

They’ve spent the weekend together before, but it feels different this time. And it’s not just because Matteo knows that he’s trans and has been a complete  _ angel _ about it. He feels just as close to Matteo as he did before, but the truth has eased the tension in his throat; one that he hadn’t realised was choking him until he experienced the relief of it being gone.

It’s more than that, though. With Matteo, David has something to look forward to. He has someone that he knows understands him, even if he hasn’t had the exact same experiences. Matteo is his blanket; his arms are the warmth and safety of his duvet that he knows he can fall back on at the end of the day. But when it’s time to wake up, David can get out of bed, knowing that it’ll always be there when he needs it again. It’s not pleasant to leave his bed in the morning, but it’s necessary. After awhile, it doesn't even feel as bad.

David didn’t even realise until now what he’s been missing.

The isolation, the running, the constant patching up of bricks to fix the holes in his walls, all of that was necessary. It protected him when nothing else could. It’s kept him alive for this moment, when the gaps in his walls can remain open so that he can be with others, so that he isn’t completely alone. 

It’s not just filled with Matteo. It’s filled with Matteo’s friends who selflessly welcomed him into their group without a second thought, it’s filled with Laura who gave him a home, and with Sara and Leonie who befriended him simply because they wanted to get to know  _ him. _

It’s almost surreal, and yet, David finds himself acclimatising relatively easily. 

  
  


He has gym first thing in the morning. Normally, David would dread this. After all, exercising early in the morning should be illegal. 

But he has Leonie and Sara to keep him company, so at least he won’t be alone.

They’re doing warm up drills by themselves, which of course means that Leonie is showing off her flexibility skills (which, admittedly, are impressive) and Sara is watching her, perplexed.

David finds the dynamic between the two girls rather interesting. They talk about boys all the time, Sara especially, but they never seem very enthusiastic about it. It seems to be more of a chore, to be honest, or an opportunity to express their frustration.

But they’re interested in David; they want to know random little facts about him, all the way from his favourite colour to his opinion on various world issues.

Leonie seems to be the most curious. Which is why David honestly shouldn’t be surprised by her question.

“So, David,” she starts as they’re resting between sets of sit ups. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

David recoils, but tries to hide it. He looks over to Sara, who is watching her friend with a slightly unreadable expression.

When Sara notices him watching, she meets his eyes, and shrugs.

“Um, no,” David murmurs, unable to tell if the pounding of his heart is from the exercise or the nervousness. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

It’s not a lie, and yet, he feels guilty for saying it. He knows he shouldn’t, because there’s no way in hell he’d ever out Matteo like this, especially since Sara likes him. He isn’t even sure if he wants to out himself right now, either.

“Hm,” Leonie murmurs in response, with the same frustratingly unreadable expression on her face (David really doesn't understand girls sometimes.) “And what about you, Sara? Any news on the romantic front?”

“No,” Sara sighs, her gaze sad and longing. “Matteo doesn't even look at me anymore, I don’t think he likes me like that.”

David suppresses his snort with a cough.

There’s more, David can tell, but he isn’t quite sure what. Sara is looking at Leonie with a careful expression, much more reserved than he’s ever seen her before. 

“What about Andreas?” Leonie asks, seemingly oblivious to Sara’s hesitancy. “He looked like he was into you.”

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Sara responds minutely. “How do you even tell if someone is into you?”

“Sometimes it’s obvious,” Leonie shrugs, looking to David with the same unreadable expression as before. “Sometimes there are just people who never pick up on the cues. What do you think, David?”

“Um,” David replies, wracking his brain for a coherent answer. He doesn't even know if he can explain how he possibly picked up on Matteo's crush on him. “I don’t know, I’m really bad at knowing these things.”

“Hm,” Leonie murmurs, tilting her head and examining him carefully. “What about-”

“Sorry to interrupt this discussion,” says a familiar voice from above. David looks up to find Neuhaus standing above them. “David, I was wondering if I could borrow you for a second? I wanted to talk about your Abi.”

“Oh, um…” David looks to Leonie and Sara, who are both giving him confused expressions. “Sure.”

He stands up, doing his best to ignore his friends’ curious exchanged glances, and follows Neuhaus.

Suddenly, the good feeling he has about today has turned into a pit of dread in his stomach.

Neuhaus leads him to his office, ushering David inside and shutting the door behind them.

“Please, take a seat,” he says, motioning to the chair opposite his desk and he gets settled into his own chair. 

David sits down gingerly. 

“Um,” David starts, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Is there something wrong-”

“No, no,” Neuhaus reassures, waving his hand dismissively. “I just wanted to go over the grading scheme. See, we want to make sure that every student is graded fairly according to their athletic ability. Now, I’ve noticed that you’re keeping up with the other students very well, but some students have… how do I say this? Some  _ disadvantages-” _

“Disadvantages?” David deadpans, raising his brows.

“It’s nothing that you can control,” Neuhaus argues reassuringly (or at least, what David presumes he thinks sounds reassuring.) “But there are… ah… biological differences that-”

“Sir, with all due respect,” David interrupts, barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “Don’t sugar coat this, please just tell me what this is really about.”

He has a hunch, one that is probable. David really hopes it’s going to be something else.

“Right,” Neuhaus says, clearing his throat. “I am perfectly okay with calling you whatever you would like to be called and doing the same as the other boys in the class, but your record says that you’re female. As you know, girls and boys are graded differently in this class, and so I think it would be in your best interest to…”

Neuhaus continues, but David zones out.

He’s heard all these words before. He’s dealt with school administrators and teachers who just don’t get it, who judge him based off a single letter on his school transcript. He’s dealt with the doubt, the confusion, the helplessness before.

But somehow, it’s almost worse this time. 

The school has assured him that him being trans was not a problem, that the teachers would call him David and use the right pronouns. They believed him, they stood up for him.

And now?

David doesn't even know if he can put a name on the visceral feeling that runs through his veins, that puts his hair on edge, that screams at his legs to get up and  _ run. _

He can’t do this all again.

“No.”

David almost surprises himself with the firmness of the single word that forces itself out of his throat. By the looks of it, Neuhaus is surprised too. He opens his mouth to reply, but nothing comes out.

“You’re either grading me as a boy, or not at all,” David continues, his voice uncharacteristically calm considering the fact that his hands are shaking.

“David,” Neuhaus starts slowly, almost condescendingly. “This really is in your best interest. I’m giving you a chance to get a better grade. And I promise that this will remain between us, no other students will know anything.”

“I don’t care,” David insists, spitting out the words with so much ferocity that Neuhaus lurches back slightly. “I’m not a girl. You grading me like one would be unfair to the other boys in the class.”

“Well... “ Neuhaus begins hesitantly, biting his lip. “From a physical standpoint, you are a-”

“My body is none of your business,” David retorts, his face flushing with anger. “You  _ just  _ said that I perform at the same level as the other boys, I don’t understand how anything else matters.”

“Yes, but biologically-”

“Why won’t you  _ listen _ to me?” David shouts as tears of anger pool helplessly in his eyes. “You people never listen, you just assume that you know what’s best for me without even bothering to ask. I don’t want to be treated like an exception.”

David takes a shaky breath, looking up to the ceiling to keep the tears from spilling over. His ears are ringing in his head, his heart is pounding wildly in his chest. He feels the anger course through his body and flow out of his fingertips. It’s the same feeling that David gets every single time he talks about this with his parents, the same helplessness. These are the people who claim to listen but who also speak over him, who assume what’s best for him, who think that there must be another explanation for him being trans. Anything but being trans. Maybe he’s just depressed and insecure about his body, because even  _ daring _ to fit outside the mold must mean he’s broken.

They never really believed him. They just went along with it to see the “phase” run its course. 

“But you  _ are _ an exception.”

“Fuck this,” David blurts out, standing up abruptly and sliding his chair backwards. It scrapes loudly against the floor. “If you’re not going to grade me as a boy then you’re going to have to fail me.”

“Watch your language,” Neuhaus replies, his own voice raising slightly. “If you fail this exam then you fail your Abi. I want you to graduate, David, and I want what’s best for you. Why are you passing up an opportunity to perform better? Do you not want a good grade?”

“I’m not a girl,” David repeats, staring Neuhaus right in the eye. “I’m a boy. I refuse to do the exam any other way. I don’t care in the slightest what my official transcript says.”

Neuhaus looks back at him steadily, but David can see the tension in his jaw. His fists are clenched on the desk. He looks frustrated, which confirms David’s suspicions. This dude is just using the better grade as an excuse because he doesn't see David as anything but the “F” on his transcript. He doesn't want to listen not because he doesn't understand. He doesn't want to listen because he’s already come to the conclusion that David can never change his gender, that he’s stuck with the one he was assigned at birth forever.

David meets his eyes, looks at him with as much ferocity as he can muster. Every single inch of him is terrified, he feels so unstable that he’s surprised he isn’t swaying with the imbalance. 

But he’s done this before. And last time, he ran. He picked his feet up from the ground and moved until he physically couldn’t anymore, until he was as far away as possible from the living hell that was his old school.

He’s so tired of running. He can’t do it anymore, not for the rest of his life.

David keeps his feet firmly rooted on the ground.

“Obviously nothing I say is going to make a difference,” David says, taking a deep breath. “I know you don’t see me as anything other than a girl. All I want is the chance to do the exam the way that I want to. You’re a teacher, part of your job is making sure that your students are getting the best education they can. And right now, you’re being a really shitty teacher.”

“You’re overreacting,” Neuhaus argues, rolling his eyes in frustration. “I’m doing this  _ because _ I want you to get a good education.”

“No,” David counters, red and fire hot. “You’re doing this because you’re unable to leave your shitty politics out of your job. If you really care about my education, you’ll let me do the exam on my own terms.”

“David-”

“I’m done here,” David cuts him off, rather abruptly because he can feel the tears threatening to reappear. David doesn't know if he’ll be able to hold them back a second time. “I don’t care about my Abi. If you fail me, then you didn’t do your job properly. That’s on you, not on me.”

With that, he picks his feet up from the ground and walks out of the office.

  
  


David’s heart races as he walks down the empty corridors. There’s no way that he’s going back to class now, he can’t handle even being in the same area as Neuhaus.

He’d been suspicious of Neuhaus in the beginning, right from the moment he’d hesitated the first time he’d read out David’s name on the attendance list on his first day of class. He’d read the name, and startled when he’d heard David’s voice. David had thought that maybe he was just startled to see the deadname on the attendance list, the note by administration to refer to him by his actual name, and the voice that definitely sounded a lot deeper than a girl’s.

David thought that maybe he was just a little ignorant. Looking back on things, he honestly shouldn’t be surprised. Especially when, in the beginning, Neuhaus had been way too easy on him, had given him more leeway than all the other boys. And when David had first proven himself to be just as strong, he’d given David an incredulous stare for a moment before regaining his composure and carrying on.

It all made sense now.

His heart hasn’t calmed down, nor has the flood of adrenaline that courses through his body. His breath is coming in shallow gasps, getting shallower by the second. 

Fuck.

He’s just passing the janitor’s closet when the idea strikes him.

He tries the doorknob, momentary relief flooding through him as it opens easily, and he closes the door behind him.

Immediately, he’s surrounded by the darkness. It’s silent, however, and calm.

He takes a couple minutes to lean against the wall, forcing himself to take deep breaths to try and regain some composure.

Now that everything is silent, the tears don’t feel as urgent as they did before. They linger closeby, but they don’t spill over.

Before David even realises what he’s doing, he’s taken out his phone and opened up his conversation with Matteo.

To: Luigi

_ Can you come to the janitors closet? I need you. _

The reply is almost instant, which makes David smile a little bit.

From: Luigi

_ Of course. Is everything okay? _

To: Luigi

_ Just come. _

From: Luigi

_ I’ll be right there. _

  
  
  


David focuses on the pattern of his breathing as he waits. The deep inhalations and shaky exhalations echo in the darkness and silence of the closet. They reverberate in his ears, joining the rhythm of his still-too-high heartbeat.

What is he supposed to do now?

He can’t go back to class, not if Neuhaus is there. He won’t ever get it, he won’t ever grade David properly again. He’ll just be graded as a girl the moment he steps foot back in the gym. And if he doesn't show up, then he’s repeating the year. 

David doesn't want to repeat a year. This school is miles better than his last, sure, but he doesn't know if he’d be able to handle another year in high school. He’d just be surrounded by another set of unfamiliar faces, being forced to use the accessible washroom in the quiet moments in class so that no one sees him. And worst of all, he’d still have to do his gym Abi. Neuhaus will still be there, and he’ll have the same problem as now.

David refuses to be stuck in that cycle. He refuses to have to deal with Neuhaus and his shitty excuses for his transphobia. He can’t handle this being so far out of his control that failing seems like a temporary solution as opposed to his worst nightmare. 

The door cracks open, and David is blinded by momentary light.

“David?” Matteo whispers, closing the door behind him with a click and plunging them into darkness once again. “You here?”

“Over here,” David whispers back, his voice so distant that it doesn't seem to be coming from his own lips.

Hands reach out for him in the darkness. They fumble, trail up from the hem of his shirt, up his chest, neck, until arms wrap around him. David falls into the touch, burying his nose until he finds the crook of Matteo’s warm neck. He wraps his arms around Matteo’s waist and clings on tight, letting out as deep of breaths as he can muster.

Matteo doesn't turn on the light, and David is grateful for that. The darkness is much more comforting than the light sometimes.

“What’s going on?” Matteo whispers hesitantly, his breath hitching as David breathes in his scent. It makes his head spin, but the dizziness doesn't make him nauseous.

David hesitates, freezing slightly in Matteo’s arms. He closes his mouth and snuggles in closer. The words are there, right on the tip of his tongue. They stay dormant, however, adhering themselves to the roof of his mouth with stubborn vigour. 

It’s frustrating. He wants to tell Matteo. He wants to let Matteo in so bad it almost hurts. He doesn't want to be alone anymore, he  _ can’t _ be alone anymore. David’s gotten so used to shutting up, because anything he says has never been understood or accepted. But Matteo? He’s been nothing but understanding, nothing but kind and patient towards him. He listens to David, he responds because he’s genuinely interested. He believes David.

He believes him.

“Neuhaus-” David blurts out, taking a shaky breath against the warm skin of his hiding place. “He’s… making me do my exam as- because of what my ID says, he…”

“You haven’t changed your ID yet?” Matteo asks after a beat of silence that rings in David’s ears. His voice is soft, inquisitive, but not judgmental.

He’s just asking because he wants to learn.

“No, it takes a long time and a bunch of therapists and shit,” David replies, huffing in frustration. “But the school told me it wasn’t a problem, that all the teachers would call me David and a boy but…”

“Not Neuhaus?” Matteo prompts, reaching up to run his fingers through David’s hair. His scalp tingles, and he leans into the touch.

“He said he’ll call me whatever I want but…” David hesitates, doing his best to crush down the sinking feeling in his stomach. “But because I was born in a girl’s body that I have a  _ biological disadvantage.  _ And so I should be graded like the girls are. At least, that’s how he put it.”

Matteo freezes, pulling back slightly from the embrace. He looks at David, and David can just make out the silhouette of his face in the darkness.

“A biological disadvantage?” Matteo responds incredulously. David imagines that his brows are probably furrowed in confusion the way they normally do. “But… that’s bullshit. You’re stronger than me?”

“I know,” David says, smiling slightly as he remembers their play fights in Matteo’s bed, most of which end up with Matteo admitting defeat. “He knows that too, told me that I’m just as good as the other boys. But he can’t grade me like one, because of my body.”

“So…” Matteo pauses for a second, most likely to gather his thoughts. “You’re telling me that this dude thinks he can get away with this because of how you were born? And that he’s assuming what your body looks like?”

“Yeah,” David whispers with a helpless shrug. “I told him that I won’t do the exam if he won’t grade me properly. Which means that he’s going to fail me. And I’ll fail my Abi, and I’ll have to repeat the year, and-”

“No,” Matteo interrupts, his voice soft but firm. “He’s not going to do any of that because you’re going to tell the headmistress.”

“Matteo…” David trails off, shaking his head slightly. “She’s just going to take his side, he’s a teacher. She’s just going to tell me to suck it up and do the exam, it’s pointless.”

“You don’t know that,” Matteo counters patiently. “Can I turn the light on? I want to see you properly.”

“Okay.”

Matteo pulls back for a brief moment to flip the light switch on. David covers his eyes to shield himself from the overexposure, letting the light into his periphery between his fingers in slow increments.

Matteo is looking back at him, blue eyes soft with concern and focused solely on David.

“I think you should tell her,” Matteo starts, reaching for David’s hands with his own and tangling their fingers together. “Anyone with half a brain would be able to tell how fucked up this all is. And if she still doesn't get it, then we’ll figure something out, okay? You’re doing that exam, and you’re going to be graded properly. We’ll figure out the details as they come, okay?”

_ We’ll figure it out. _

The tears rise in his throat uncontrollably, unexpectedly. David tries his best to swallow them down, to not let them fall from his eyes.

He rushes forward, throwing his arms around Matteo’s shoulders, and clings on.

Matteo takes a step backward with the force, but wraps his own arms back around David and clings on just as tight. He nuzzles his nose into David’s hair tenderly, which makes David’s breath hitch.

“Okay,” David whispers in response, his voice thick. “Thank you.”

At this, Matteo pulls back slightly so that he can look at David properly. David knows that his eyes are swimming with tears, but he honestly doesn't think he can reign them in anymore.

“What for?” Matteo asks, rubbing his thumbs comfortingly along his fabric covered waist.

“Just…” David trails off, shaking his head incredulously. “For believing me, for sticking up for me. I don’t know.”

Matteo pauses, trailing his eyes up and down David’s face. He trails his fingers up to David’s neck, and David pulls his own arms back to grasp onto Matteo’s shoulders to give him room.

He cups David’s face in his hands so tenderly that David closes his eyes. A tear finally escapes as he does so, falling ungracefully down his cheek.

The light touch of a finger brushes his cheek, wiping the tear away. Matteo presses his forehead against his, and kisses him.

It’s gentle, the kiss, much more gentle than Matteo’s ever kissed him before. It’s fragile, gives David an opportunity to pull back if he wants. David doesn't want fragile, and Matteo gives him the room to stabilize the kiss, to rush forward if he wants on his own terms. 

David kisses back, leaning his weight against Matteo’s steady chest and absorb the warmth from his skin. There’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be.

Matteo pulls back after a few seconds. David opens his eyes, even though he knows that they’re probably red-rimmed and teary, even though he knows that he’s vulnerable right now in a way he’d never show anyone else. He doesn't care, not when Matteo’s looking back at him so steadily, so reassuringly.

“You never need to thank me for that, okay?” Matteo whispers, running his fingers gently along David’s jawline. “If no one else believes you for being you, then that’s their fault, not yours.”

David sighs shakily and nods slightly. He knows Matteo is right. He would tell anyone else in this situation exactly what Matteo is telling him right now. What makes him the exception?

He isn’t an exception, and he doesn't want to be treated like one. Maybe it’s time he extended that rule to himself as well.

“Do you want to come over later, spend the night?” Matteo asks him, changing the subject so effortlessly, almost as if he knows it was exactly what David wanted.

“Yes, please,” David whispers, smiling at Matteo sheepishly.

Matteo wraps him once again in his arms, and David lets himself have this, lets himself be vulnerable for just a moment. It’s scary, sure, but it’s the most free David has felt in years, almost akin to the moment he realised he started passing as a boy in public. It’s the same sensation, the same freeing and affirming thrill that courses through his body and connects with his brain. But this time, he can share it with someone else. 

For once in his life, David feels stronger with someone by his side. He feels stronger with Matteo, the boy with the mesmerizing eyes and the crooked smile, who smells like weed and teenage boy and warmth and  _ love- _

David doesn't care that it’s fast, that he and Matteo haven’t known each other for long. If he can spend the rest of his life feeling the way he does around Matteo, then he’ll take any chance he can get.

  
  


Whenever things got stressful at home, David would escape. Whenever he felt suffocated by the four walls of his bedroom surrounded in a home filled with the photos of a young girl who was supposed to be him, he would escape. He started out just by going for walks once everyone was asleep and the only noises that filled David’s ears were the ticking of the living room clock. Then, he would start to explore abandoned places nearby. He would camp out in vacated rooms filled with debris and garbage (sometimes even mold) and he would create. 

He would sketch until his hand was throbbing from the frustration that guided the frantic movements of his pencil against the paper. He could create his own reality, somewhere far away from Fürstenberg and where he could be himself. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, he would stay outside and lie down on the pavement. He’d look up at the stars and wish to be among them, to be a speck of light in someone else’s line of vision that was already long dead. 

He finds himself in the same place as before, lying on the pavement and looking up at the night sky. Of course, the stars aren’t clear, but even if they were, David thinks he wouldn’t wish to be among them anymore. 

That’s partly due to the boy who is lying beside him. 

It’s around midnight, and it had been David’s idea to lie down on the empty road. He wanted to stare up at the sky, to share the moment that he’d had many times with Matteo. Matteo had laughed at him but also laid down without complaint, reaching out and intertwining their cold fingers.

“Isn’t this what they did in the Notebook?” Matteo asks, his voice calm in the silence of the night.

“Maybe,” David snorts, breaking his focus on the sky and turning his head to look at his boyfriend. “I haven’t seen it. Have you?”

Matteo flushes despite the cold air. Busted.

“Yeah,” Matteo admits sheepishly, the corner of his lips turning up slightly. “Hanna and I watched it back when she and Jonas were dating. Told me that everyone should see it.”

“Hm,” David muses, turning back to look up at the stars. “And do you agree with her?”

“Not really,” Matteo snorts. “It was too heterosexual for me. But it was nice to spend time with her.”

David snorts back. Yeah, he can only put up with so much heterosexual bullshit as well.

Matteo is silent, and David turns his head to look back at him. Matteo’s gaze is fixed on the sky, searching and still. It’s a look that David doesn't see often on Matteo. Usually, his eyes are focussed both everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It’s as though he’s constantly scanning his surroundings despite feeling overwhelmed by all the stimuli that his senses are taking in. 

Now, however, Matteo appears to be deep in thought.

“What’s up?” David prompts, keeping his voice low and unassuming; giving Matteo the option to answer only if he wants to.

“I came out to Jonas yesterday,” Matteo blurts, turning his head back to meet David’s eyes. He’s biting his lip apprehensively, but he’s holding back a smile. “He didn’t even blink when I told him.”

David looks at the boy in front of him, takes in his messy hair and his beautiful eyes that are practically radiating with happiness. It’s a good look on him, much better than the melancholy expression typically attached to his facial features.

“I’m proud of you,” David replies, which makes Matteo release his lip from between his teeth.

He’s so beautiful when he smiles.

“Thanks,” Matteo says, his smile turning sheepish under David’s careful gaze. “I don’t know, it just felt like the right time. He’s excited to get to know you more.”

“Oh.” David furrows his brows, feeling a thrill of both excitement and nervousness sweep through his stomach.

Cis guys have always scared him a little bit, even after he started passing as a guy. Perhaps it’s a leftover reflex from his days at his old school, where he was met with confusion at best. He’d never fit in with other boys, and to be quite honest, he still doesn't completely understand them to this day. Another part of him is scared, as if him being an outsider means that he’ll be clocked eventually.

“Is…” Matteo trails off, his smile disappearing as he takes in David’s silence. “Is that okay with you?”

“No, it’s fine,” David reassures, almost a little frantically so that Matteo doesn't stop smiling for too long. “Just not used to it, is all.”

“Not used to what?” Matteo asks, his smile returning but the confusion coming to the surface of his expression. 

“Just- I don’t know,” David replies, shrugging in a way that he hopes comes across as casual. “Being treated like I’m normal, or something.”

Matteo turns his body fully to look at him and reaches a hand out, placing it on the back of David’s neck.

David shivers, and he doesn't think it’s from the cold air. 

“You  _ are _ normal,” Matteo says, his gaze so intense that David almost wants to look away. He can’t, however. Behind the intensity there is care and affection, loud and clear. It’s mesmerizing. “You always have been. The people who don’t see that are wrong.”

David bites his lip in apprehension.

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me that normal is overrated?” David semi-jokes, laughing a little to hide just how comforted he feels with that statement.

“Sure, it is,” Matteo concedes, shrugging carelessly. “But that’s not what I meant. You’re no different than me or any of my friends. The people who didn’t see that don’t see you.”

“And what do you see?” David asks hesitantly, unable to stop himself.

Matteo’s smile is back. He shifts his gaze up and down David’s face, his thumb rubbing comforting circles into his jaw.

“I see…” Matteo starts slowly, so completely focussed on David that he almost feels breathless. “I see a boy who has been forced to be alone for so long that he doesn't get how cool he is, how much other people like him. My friends like you, Sara and Leonie like you, because you’re funny and smart and definitely a total dork-”

“Hey!” David protests with a giggle, but he nudges forward so that he can lean his forehead against Matteo’s.

“You are a dork,” Matteo giggles back, playfully nudging his nose against David’s. “But you’re also like, the hottest person I’ve ever met.”

David flushes, and he lets out a whine in protest. Matteo chuckles, leaning in to kiss David on the lips once, twice, before pulling away again.

David chases his lips, breathing heavily as his heart pounds in his chest.

“But mostly,” Matteo breathes out, sounding a little awestruck himself as he opens his eyes once more. “You make me feel like I’m not alone, because I know you know how much it fucking sucks.”

“You aren’t alone,” David replies easily.

“Neither are you,” Matteo counters back, so rapid and intense that David is almost taken aback. “You’re not alone anymore, okay?”

Whatever response David could’ve possibly come up with gets stuck in his throat. He takes in the boy in front of him, whose blue eyes are so open and earnest that it makes David’s heart ache in the best way possible.

He closes his eyes, not because he doesn't want to look at the gorgeous view in front of him, but because it feels right. The air around him is frigid, the streets around him are empty, and the sky above him is as endless and overwhelming as it always has been. But David doesn't feel overwhelmed anymore. 

It’s the same as it was in Fürstenberg, the same midnight adventures. They were an escape to the absolute shithole that was his life. And sure, parts of his life are still shit, and he still wants to escape them. 

But he doesn't have to face these things alone anymore. He can escape, not because he has to, but because he can. It’s just an adventure, after all. After an adventure, he can always come home.

He opens his eyes again. Matteo’s gaze is still trained on him. He doesn't look inquisitive anymore, and he doesn't seem to be expecting a response. He knows that David gets it enough to not need one.

David leans in again and presses an almost desperate kiss to Matteo’s lips. 

Matteo hums in response, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smile as he leans in closer and kisses back.

Fuck, David thinks he’s in love.

He’s never been in love, he doesn't know what it really is. He doesn't know when it’s too early to know. He just knows.

He doesn't even need to say it, especially since it probably is too soon to do so. He just knows it. And for now, that’s more than enough for him to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought! Comments are much appreciated <3
> 
> Alternatively, [feel free to come chat ](https://unendeligtid.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!


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